American Idol opens with a pop quiz. Which city has American Idol visited 5 times; seen the likes of Fantasia, Clay Aiken, and Jennifer Hudson while also being the birth place of host Ryan Secrest? The answer is ATLANTA!

Cue video montage of Hotlanta with a crowd of 10,000 Idol hopefuls on hand for their chance at the golden ticket to Hollywood.

Mary J. Blige or the “Empress of Soul” is our guest judge of the evening. Mary J explains she will be an honest judge but not so rigid.

The twist for the contestants in Atlanta is they must ride a glass elevator to the 27th floor in order to visit our judges. This might not be a good idea given some of the deluded weirdoes who try out; does America really want to see someone take a nosedive out of a glass elevator?

I am afraid about tonight’s episode. Let us start gossiping oh I mean evaluating the contestants.

Day 1:

Dewone Robinson (27) who indicates with confidence that musical talent is running in his blood because his great uncle Clyde discovered Gladys Knight and Pips while another relative is a drummer, Motown Bob. Dewone made up a song and his family liked it so he will be performing this song for the judges. What is up with these contestants? Do they not watch the show or the audition episodes? Contestants singing their own original songs never get through. This has to be bad. The name of the song is “Lady, We’re Not Together Anymore” and after hearing him sing I understand completely as to why. I was actually laughing hysterically during this performance and the reactions of the judges especially Mary J was priceless. Poor deluded Dewone was not listening to the judges and continued to either mumble incoherently or continued to sing with his strange voices with Randy finally calling for security. This was just a waste of time.

Keia Johnson (26) entered a Miss America contestant but ended up only with a Miss Congeniality prize so there was ridiculous filler about her not getting the “good looking” prize. Once again, a contestant who does not pay attention to the rules, you do not sing Celine Dion numbers but we are stuck hearing “My Heart Will Go On”. I personally thought this was marginal at best. There were moments her voice sounded fine but all the ridiculous affectations she was throwing in were aggravating. If she lost some of those there might be potential. The judges certainly heard something, which I did not as Keia, is going to Hollywood.

Ryan advises Atlanta is sizzling and we see a clip video montage of three women who receive a golden ticket to Hollywood but the clips were short so I have no idea if these women are any good. They are Miriam Lemnouri (25), Noel Reese (16) and Tisha Holland (16).

Jermaine Sellers (26) is a church singer and has been taking care of his mom since he was 17. While the back-story does not really move me I like Jermaine’s personality, however, this does not extend to his singing ability. Jermaine auditions with “One of Us” and I like how he changed it up and admit he has nice tone, excellent pitch, but again he was way over the top in affectations and do not get me started on the wildly acrobatic vocal ending. The judges’s fall over themselves praising him with “best they’ve seen so far in all cities”, “incredibly controlled”, and “love it”. I was left somewhere in the middle. I think there is a good voice in there but it was covered up with everything else it was lost.

Cue montage of contestants riding the elevator 27 floors with good news yet we do not even get to see their names.

Christy Marie Agronow (25) or the 411 girl. Christy is the host and producer of the “411 the Show” and if one more person imitated her signature move I was going to scream. I found her obnoxious from the very beginning. Christy goes with “Love is a Battlefield”. Personally, Christy’s performance was a battlefield for the audience who is left feeling as if they lived through some type of disaster never to recover. Poor Christy did not take the rejection well and she was bleeped out of the building screaming there was one show she would not promote and complaining that even strangers applaud when she sings. They are most likely applauding to drown out the noise!

Cue the montage of the 411 for contestants having the long ride down the elevator after receiving a no from the judges.

Our final contestant for day one is Vanessa Wolfe (19) from Vonore, Tennessee wearing a pink dress, which cost her $4.50 at the Dollar Store. She paid too much for that outfit. I found this amusing because I would think if the name of the store is Dollar then everything would be a dollar but this must not be the case. I may receive hate mail and I detest stereotypes but Vanessa is a walking/talking example of white trailer trash! Poor Vanessa does not go to the movies or the mall and feels trapped in her hometown yet she was able to make her way to Atlanta. For excitement, she likes to jump from bridges. Vanessa needs to see a dentist immediately because it was scary to look at her when she was talking let alone singing. Vanessa is a true country woman and goes with “Wagon Wheel”. I was not impressed, I found her voice annoying, and her enunciation sucked! The judges were kissing themselves over their discovery presenting her with a golden ticket to Hollywood. WTF! Thankfully, Vanessa gave me the best laugh of the evening because she is going to get on an “air-o-plane to Hollywood” and eat “air-o-plane peanuts.” I am telling you trailer trash!

Day 2:

Cue montage of the crew setting up and an enthusiastic crowd queuing up at 6:30 a.m. in the morning as Ryan blabs about how people try out to change their lives and to turn their luck around which cues the back-story for our first contestant.

Jessie Hamilton (26) has apparently almost died three times in his life. Jessie and Vanessa should get married and they would be the perfect white trash trailer couple. I do not offend easily but the cheap dramatization of Jessie’s near death experiences almost crossed the line and were not required. Mr. Producer this was major overkill for what will clearly be a train wreck anyway. Poor Jessie froze and then forgot the words to the Garth Brooks song he wanted to sing “The River”. Mary J. was trying to keep from laughing which she could not so Kera was trying to help her out by saying she was emotional, give me a break. Randy finally suggested “If Tomorrow Never Comes” which he went with. Let us just say it was exceptionally bad! Jessie takes the news well but the producers simply cannot leave well enough alone and go out of their way to make the appearance Jesse is having multiple near death experiences. I was not amused. This was too much of a time waster when I would rather hear the talented sing.

Cue montage explaining while Idol allows instruments in the live performances they are banned from the auditions and we needed this to introduce our next contestant – Guitar Girl.

Holly Harden (20) dressed up as a guitar including some stupid sunglasses. You have to see it to believe it. My on-line blogger friends advise me Holly had previously been on “America’s Got Talent” in 2008 and made it to Vegas but was then eliminated quickly. I found her annoying and her speaking voice is a finger nails down the blackboard experience. We have another would be country artist and she goes with “You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take my Man” and for some strange reason her singing voice is deeper and richer. I was not wowed but on the other hand, it was not horrible. I am not sure what to make of her but Simon gives her a yes, Kara finds her “ballsy” and “I hear talent” and says yes with Randy following suit. Mary J Blige says no but Holly is heading to Hollywood.

Cue the next montage of lousy male singers passing through. We do learn their names including Lathan Davenport, Hansel Enriquez and Blake Smith with his “Britney Spears changed my life” t-shirt. This was very brief and I was thankful.

Mallorie Haley (20) from Winner, South Dakota so I am sure you can see the pun coming performs “Piece of My Heart” and she was good. She was exceptional compared to Vanessa or Holly. She had excellent control, was on pitch, and had great enunciation. Additionally she had a pleasant personality and no strange quirks jumping out at you. The judges unanimously gave her a golden ticket. Here is the pun – Will the girl from Winner be the winner of American Idol?

Cue our next montage of contestants receiving a golden ticket yet remain nameless and it is only noon.

Antonio “Skii Bo Ski” Wheeler (22) who has his hair shaved with the American Idol logo which is too over the top for me. Mr. Wheeler cannot spell because his alias is wrong on his jacket. Mr. Wheeler has exceptionally poor enunciation and spoke gibberish. Antonio goes with “I Heard It through the Grapevine.” I did not like anything about the performance or his persona. Simon hated it, Kara was impressed, Mary J likes his voice but his image needs to match, and Randy wants him to lose the nonsense. “Skii” is going to Hollywood.

Cue montage about all the time the contestants have waiting for their opportunity with the judges and we learn about best friends Lauren and Carmen. They were freaking annoying. They have been BFF’s since the third grade spending every weekend together and have no concerns about being split apart. This is not going to end well. While they entered the judge’s room together, they auditioned separately.

Lauren Sanders (18) or as Simon refers to her “Miss Annoying” is up first. I have no clue as to what she was singing and it does not matter because she was terrible.

Carmen Turner (19) was marginally better but I still am not impressed.

Simon prefers Carmen to Lauren but feels they should be a group because they are funny together but boring apart. Simon votes no to both but the other judges say no to Lauren but yes to Carmen – oh, my they are not going to Hollywood together. Carmen got her golden ticket yet cries while Lauren says it does not matter, BFF’s forever and she will support her friend. Whatever!

Cue a new montage of three southern belles with no names singing poorly and are going home empty handed while Simon ends up with a headache and misses the next few auditions.

Bryan Walker (25) who is a police officer in Sevierville, Tennessee but wants to chase a dream. Bryan goes with “Superstar” and I found he has a rich and soulful voice and manages to do a good job. The judges are impressed and Bryan is going to visit Hollywood.

Lamar Royal (20) is most excited to meet Mary J Blige. In addition promises on camera to respect the opinions of the judges and looks forward to constructive criticism. As if, I can see it coming and yes dear readers more puns are on the way. Mr. Royal goes with “Kiss from a Rose” which is difficult enough for Seal and this was a complete “royal” mess. I agree with Randy who said it was “torturous”. Guess what while the judges were trying to provide constructive criticism Mr. Royal reacts badly and tries to talk/yell over them, continues to sing, and makes a total ass out of himself. Security comes to escort him out of not only the judge’s room but also the hotel itself while all the time Mr. “Royal” pain simply keeps swearing. A real classy person – NOT!

There is one final contestant and Simon mysteriously returns for “General” Larry Platt who is 62 and is most definitely over the age limit. General is here to perform an original song “Pants on the Ground”. I was impressed he was able to do the splits but this was a waste of my time. This is all a set up which goes on much too long so all the contestants going to Hollywood can be filmed from up high in the lobby singing the chorus of this stupid song along with the stupid movement, please!

In the end, 25 contestants from Atlanta are on their way to Hollywood. No contestant wowed me during this audition episode.

Next Tuesday we are off to Chicago and guest judge Shania Twain.

I will be in Memphis next week flying home on Thursday so my commentaries will most likely arrive on Friday. I apologize for the delay.

Until next week…