American Idol 8 - 1/14/09 - We are not in Kansas but rather Missouri

Kansas City, MO (home of David Cook) was the site of the auditions from the January 14th episode.

The State of Missouri is important because throughout the audition episode we kept getting references to “The Wizard of Oz”. Dorothy Gale lived in Kansas not Missouri! Itjust royally ticked me off.

It is amazing that 11,000 potential wannabes showed up for the chance at a golden ticket and 95% of them are there for their 15 minutes of fame because they know they suck!

Chelsea Marquardt (19) was always afraid to try out but her family convinced her to have faith in her talent because she can sing with such power. What did I say about family and friends being the worst enablers? Chelsea attempts “Without You” and this was a finger down the chalkboard experience. She was shrill and totally off pitch. I wanted to scream at her family. Simon explained her voice was like the sound of a cat thrown off the Empire State Building; personally I thought he was being way too kind. Chelsea is going home empty handed.

Ashley Anderson (20) is sucking up to Simon by choosing “Footprints in the Sand” which he co-wrote and then she was stupid enough to start by saying “Footsteps” – give me a break! I did not like this audition at all. There was no spark, her pitch was off, and she was trying to put way too many runs into the melody. Simon indicates it is the best song he has heard so far. All the judges give praise and pass her through. What are they thinking?

Casey Carlson (20) who is yet another little Miss Mary Sunshine (PLEASE!) attempting “A Thousand Miles”. Her rendition was okay and her voice was alright but there was no spark and no real joy in what she was doing. I would have sent her home but for some reason all the judges say yes. Did the producers put Prozac in their Coke glasses?

Brian Hettler (20) indicates he is a big guy with a big voice who was classically trained in opera. He gave up singing for two years and feels this audition will assist him in returning to music. Brian attempts “Think”. If this man was classically trained his parents should demand a refund for those classes, he sucked the big one. There was not one redeeming moment from this audition. Simon told him everything was wrong from the voice to the outfit, seriously it was just awful. Brian is apparently not returning to music via American Idol and the angels in heaven were cheering.

Let’s cue montage of contestants reacting to their “No you are not going to Hollywood”. I don’t think there was a true emotional reaction and those people were the worst actors I have come across. The woman who was screaming and crying while falling to the ground should just be shot and put out of her misery.

Oh is that Ryan walking down a street and what a surprise he just happens to run into David Cook’s parents, how cute? NOT. We are then shown a few contestants trying to put their unique stamp on some classics. James Advern who Simon indicates sings like Ryan Secrest, Billy Vinson, Chris James and Deandre Hopkins. They all would be the perfect definition of BAD!

Von Smith (22) advises us he has a strange range and attempts things most guys would not try. He chooses “Over the Rainbow”. I just have to say I hated his hat but I did like his voice. I thought he was totally over projecting, i.e. way too f*&king LOUD but he nailed the melody. He actually reminded me of Sam Harris and I suspect he was using his version of the song. He definitely has a powerful voice. Randy thought the vocals were good. Kara thinks he can take a lot of risks with his voice. Von is going to Hollywood with 4 yeses. This was the first contestant put through I agreed with.

Next up is Jason Castro’s brother. I can’t even put into words what I was thinking about this contestant. Michael Castro (20) who advises us he just started singing 20 days ago because he felt if his brother could sing so could he. Michael definitely has a different look than Jason, what is up with the multi-colored hair and faux Mohawks? I was laughing out loud that Michael thought Jason was more girly, whatever it really means. Michael chooses “In Love with A Girl”. All I can say was he was on pitch. I wasn’t impressed but his voice didn’t make me scream either. He gets 4 yeses with Simon saying he was “goodish” (is that a word?) while Kara likes his ballsiness. I personally think he got through because he was Jason’s brother.

We then have a clip of Vaughn English singing a song about bananas while wearing yellow and orange. I was laughing out loud with this one.

Matt Breitzke (27) used to be a bar singer but is now a married welder with a child so music was put on the backburner so he could be a family man. Apparently this is not satisfying enough so he is here to be the next American Idol. Cry me a river! Matt goes with “Ain’t No Sunshine” and it was okay but nothing spectacular. Randy says no, Kara likes him, you have heart, Paula was impressed how he could control his voice, the tone, and Simon says you have heart and ambition. Maybe I should take drugs before I watch these shows?

Jasmine Joseph (17) hopes to bring some jazz to the show and asks she be called “Jazz”. Good heavens, she is trying to jazz up “Over the Rainbow”, give me a break! This was just freakin’ bad and she has multi-colored hair, oh joy! The judges are speechless so Jasmine leaves. Perhaps it is the name, can we all say Jasmine Treas!

Cue the montage which absolutely royally piss me off with the lame “Wizard of Oz” references, the producers should be shot.

The montage leads up to Jessica Furney (19) who actually lives in Kansas with her 93 year old grandmother as her caretaker. The producers actually went to her home and filmed her grandmother so we could hear grandma saying it was time for her crazy pills (which was shameless)! Jessica chooses “Cry Baby”. Her rendition was good and she has a nice voice and can enunciate but there was nothing really special about it. She is unanimously given the golden ticket to Hollywood.

Next up are sisters Asia McClain (24) and India Morrison (22). What were their parents smoking when they came up with those names or maybe they were named after the countries they were conceived. They do some type of rap introduction, give me a break. Asia is really there to support her sister, she convinced her to try out. Asia was just plain bad. India’s audition was okay, her voice was pleasant but I don’t see her getting anywhere in the competition. The judges say yes to India but no to Asia.

Jamar Rogers (26) bartender from Milwaukee who is here auditioning with his friend Danny Gokey (more about him shortly) gives it a try with “California Dreamin’”. Jamar is LOUD, I mean Loud. I found his voice pleasant enough but for once I have to agree with Paula, I thought he was totally off pitch. I am not sure why but he does get passed through to Hollywood.

We were teased through out the episode that Danny Gokey’s (28) story was very emotional and for once the producers were right. It turns out 4 weeks prior to the audition Danny’s wife died. While Danny was talking you could tell his emotional reactions were absolutely positively real. The pain was so clear I was crying. He decided to go through with the audition for his wife. Danny chooses “I Heard It through the Grapevine” and he blew me away. I actually got goose bumps. His voice has a really great tone and he has total control of it as well. I once again have to agree with Paula, his voice does have a soulful sound to it. Kara indicates she is a fan, he has great heart and soul, Simon indicates he likes him and Randy states he’s one of the best he’s seen. I totally agree. Danny’s audition was my favorite of the evening and he totally deserved his golden ticket to Hollywood. As an aside, is it just me or does he look like a young Robert Downey, Jr.?

Cue the next montage of train wreck auditions by the girls so Ryan says. They were bad and actually didn’t even identify the contestants by name and I bet they are happy about that.

Anoop Desai (21) is next. Simon has a bit of a problem in pronouncing his name and not quite understanding the write up of his being a folklore student. Anoop tells Randy he can call him “Noop Dog”, how cute? NOT! Anoop goes with “Thank you” and I was surprised he can actually sing and does it well. He has a great voice. The judges all praise him and he is heading to Hollywood.

Cue another montage of contestants butchering “Signed, Seal, Delivered”. PLEASE!

Andrew Lang (19) sends in two cheerleaders (costumes and all – again with the multi-colored hair) to pump the judges up for his audition and provide a great introduction. Give me a break! Andrew goes with “My Girl” and it is just okay and I am being incredibly nice with that comment. Randy actually liked it and says yes. Paula asks for a second song and he attempts “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” and loses Randy’s vote because it was too musical theater. Kara gives him an A+ but still Andrew goes home with his cheerleaders while they are crying their bucket of tears.

Asa Barnes (28) middle school band director wants to show he is a good father and a good singer. Asa goes with “The Way You Make Me Feel” and I guess it was okay. I really didn’t see any spark. It was a very stupid chose of audition song. I am not sure why but the judges give him a golden ticket.

Michael Nicewonder (26) and I am not making this name up either is wearing the medal he received for best vocals in his elementary school music class – can we say “Glory Days”, come on, it was just stupid. He received a fortune in a cookie “A person with a determined heart frightens problems away” so he taped it to the back of his metal. Now I am just throwing up. Apparently he is somehow related to Hank Williams Jr. He does admit many people say he can’t sing including his mother. Thank god for at least one mother giving good advice. Michael decides to audition with an original song. Are these contestants just down right stupid? What can I say, it was just horrible. Simon thinks he should write Hallmark cards and Kara says he is a “nice guy – wink, wink” but singing isn’t right for him. Naturally Michael has a breakdown when he leaves the audition room. I am not moved.

Dennis Brigham (19) tells us he had a dream that Simon said he was the best he’s seen while doing a back flip. Dennis attempts “With You” and I just about fell out of my chair, it was ridiculous. His voice was horrible; it was like a squeaking mouse. Those drugs they are giving the judges are working because he wore them down with his begging and he got a golden ticket. At least Simon says his dream was a nightmare.

Cue another montage which was just a waste of time.

Mia Conley (27) has waited all day for her chance at fame and goes with “Loving You”. This was another finger down the chalk board moment. She was actually screeching. A clearly deluded individual because she emphatically believes the judges made the wrong choice to send her home. See you in the mental institution.

Lil Rounds (23) who is a customer services representative with three little children who people told her not to consider singing as a career but then a disaster (i.e. tornado ripped through her apartment) and she had an epiphany and American Idol is a way for her to help her family. Lil goes with “All I Do” and she was very good. I was surprised, she does have talent. Simon thinks she is classy, Paula tells her to tell everyone to kiss her Lil behind, Kara loves it and Randy compares her to a combination of Fantasia and Mary J. Blige but she gets 4 yeses for Hollywood.

As with Phoenix only 27 got golden tickets to Hollywood and we only saw 13. Of those 13 I only agree with 4 of the choices with Danny and Von being my two top picks.

Kansas City was a disappointment unless the other 14 they are hiding away somehow blow it out of the ballpark.

Until next week…