AI 11 - 1-25-12 Aspen

It is time we just got away. This is Colorado and this is AMERICAN IDOL!

Cue the opening montage of the American Idol train hitting the road for Colorado where there is a completely new energy. Aspen is a quiet, peaceful and tranquil place to find the next superstar. Let us get to our meaningful commentary on the contestants performance.

Jenni Shick is an elementary music teacher for kindergarten through sixth grade and she detests “recorders”. I think she was high on something because her energy level was over the top. She is nervous about meeting Steven Tyler because he is so gorgeous (REALLY?) and he is on her list of celebrities she is allowed to kiss without it being considered cheating. Her list also includes Lady Gaga and Adam Levine. Jenni’s boyfriend who could not get off work also has Lady Gaga, Adam Levine and Ryan on his list. Jenni asks Ryan to kiss her on the cheek for her boyfriend and Ryan declines.

Jenni immediately mentions her list to Steven but advises he wants to hear her sing before agreeing to anything. The audition song is “Heartbreaker” and I found her voice freaking annoying. Jenni was loud, there was shallowness to her voice, and as she reached her upper register, the notes were sharp! Jenni is not American Idol material in my estimation; however, the judges were falling over themselves to send her to Hollywood to hear more of what she can do. Ronald can see the crash and burn coming a mile away. It appears Randy is now the conductor as he tells her “You may kiss the judge.” Ronald turns away in disgust but Jenni has to brag about the kiss and Steven’s lips being so soft. Can I vomit now?

Cue the next video montage of time wasting as the “contestant cams” demonstrate how everyone looks, as they have to get up early, dress and then stand in line with 10,000 people waiting for their chance at a golden ticket.

Curtis Gray is 28 so this is his last chance to audition for American Idol before becoming too old at the ripe age of 29. Curtis goes with “It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday” and does an adequate job. The beginning was a little rocky but as he went along, he gained some control and managed to address the pitch issues. I do not think he has a chance in hell in making it but the judges unanimously send him through to Hollywood.

Cue a video montage of various male singers who receive golden tickets but at least this time we have names to go along with the contestants. Richie Law is the Scotty McCreery this year. Devan Jones appeared to have excellent control for the snippet we hear and finally Mathenne Trego (Where the hell did his parents come up with that name!) went with “Hey Jude” and it was way too affected for my tastes.

Tealana Hedgepeth is our next contestant. What is up with parents and the poor names they stick these kids with? Tealana lives under the shadow of her twin sister who is pursuing a performing arts degree. Tealana wants to be the star and this is her opportunity to shine. Ronald shakes his head because this can only be leading to one conclusion. Wow, I was right this audition sinks faster than the titanic. I was laughing as they show Jennifer whispering to Steven saying, “If you ask her to sing another song I will kill you.” Steven tells her to record herself and listen to what we heard. Tealana is going home without her golden ticket. Cry me a river – NOT!

Haley Smith is 18, lives in a log cabin in the middle of nowhere, and loves nature. She is working three jobs one of which is in the meat department of a store and she is a vegetarian. Who freaking cares? Haley goes with “Tell me something good” as her audition number. She was a bit loud and there was some shouting involved but she did demonstrate some control and there is a unique quality to her voice. The judges on the other hand were kissing themselves about how wonderful she is. Steven states, “I love you voice, it is an honor to be here listening.” (Steven what the hell kind of drugs are you taking.) Randy indicates it was not perfect but I love it and you have a natural gift. The judges send her on to Hollywood. I am not sure I would have said yes but time will tell.

Cue the video montage as morning ends and the judges are returning from lunch except for Steven who we see continuing to stuff his mouth. My question is how does this relate to the auditions?

Alanna Snare works at a bar famous for serving Rocky Mountain oysters which are “bull testes” and this is important to her becoming the next American Idol how? Alanna chooses my absolutely least favorite Dolly Parton song “Jolene” and then completely butchers it. Oh how I hate that song. The song should be forever banned from being used. This audition was pure torture but at least the judges politely send her back to eat more oysters.

Shelby Tweten is 17 years old from Minnesota (she has a very strong accent) and she has the diagnosis of bipolar disorder and has been depressed for a long time. I know several people with this disorder and it can be ugly if you do not take your medication, which Shelby admits to not taking hers consistently. Shelby’s mother indicates that singing helps to calm her doing those manic episodes. Shelby sings “Temporary Home” and the girl can really sing. To borrow words used by the judges for other contestants I thought Shelby has some very raw natural talent and with the right training could take her far. Jennifer has tears were flowing down her face. Randy states she is fearless. Shelby is heading to Hollywood. My concern is the pressures of Hollywood could be her undoing especially if no one is monitoring her medication intake.

Cue the video montage as Colorado hits a rough patch and we witness four very bad singers getting the heave ho!

Jairon Jackson is next and he chooses to go with an original song. This is never a wise move but not withstanding I did not like the song there was a good tone to his voice. Jairon was going flat towards the end though. The judges adore him and he wins a trip to Hollywood.

Angie Zeiderman states, “It is time for a vintage glitter queen on American Idol!” Angie adores Lady Gaga and wants to be her best friend as well as her opening act. Heaven help us all. Angie goes with “When You Got It, Flaunt it” from “The Producers” and I have no clue what she was trying to do with that over the top performance. I can assure you Lady Gaga she is not. I hated the entire thing but not for the reasons Randy was turned off. Randy bitches about the vibrato of Broadway singers while Jennifer defends Broadway (kudos to J Lo). I just did not like the sound of her voice and she was not on key very often. The judges give her another chance and she goes with “Blue Bayou” and once again demonstrates she cannot remain on key. The judges though change their minds and send her on to Hollywood. Nice hearing you Angie but you will not make it through from Hollywood.

Welcome back to Aspen as the video montage is about Party Central in the audition room, which leads to our final contestant of the night, Magic Cyclops (yes you read the name correctly). Why the producers are choosing to end the night with this idiot, I have no clue. Magic tells us he is from Davenport, Iowa yet has a British accent. He had to leave Davenport because of riverboat gambling. Magic has over a 11,000 different air guitars. WTF?

The judges ask him what he is going to sing and he replies this is judge’s choice day. They get to pick between Neil Diamond and “James Buffet” – can we just skip this so I can go to bed? Randy selects Neil Diamond and Magic goes with “Cracklin’ Rose” and murders the melody. For some strange reason Jennifer asks for “Margaritaville” and Ronald asks if he can kill her now. This song is even more butchered then the first. Why are we wasting time on this crazy jerk? Randy cannot take it and excuses himself but then Mr. Cyclops sets off a confetti cannon. Time waster Mr. Producer and I want it back stat!

In the end, 31 singers receive their golden ticket to Hollywood and we see nine. Our next stop is Texas and it appears we are heading to Houston although my guide states Galveston.