AI 9 1-26-10 Los Angeles

Wow, it is 6:57 a.m. in Hollywood while Ryan conducts his radio show while across town 11,000 hopefuls line up at the Rose Bowl hoping to be the next big superstar! LET US GET IT STARTED – this is Los Angeles and THIS is AMERICAN IDOL!

Cue video montage of Hollywood being the epicenter for stardom for the last 100 years and it appears LA was showing American Idol the love – NOT!

Avril Lavigne is the guest judge for day one. I enjoy Avril’s music but what is up with a 25 year old dressing like a 15 year old. What is up with her outfit? I have a bad feeling about tonight.

Time to get on with my snide remarks, wait, I mean my rather thoughtful critic of the evening’s show.

Day One

Hollywood provides us glitz and glamour but will Neil Goldstein (19) live up to the hype. Neil explains he has an IQ of 168 and is a big geek who reads books, is WAY into computers along with music and dancing. I swear his introduction was longer than “War and Peace”. I was seriously going to toss my cookies with his inane prattle. Neil goes with “Rock and Roll Dreams Come True”, really, Meatloaf, hell Meatloaf has trouble with his own songs. This was an absolute waste of time. Simon simply should have called for security to give Neil a dose of reality. Neil’s parents should have seen him dragged out in handcuffs to they can see what enabling their son has wrought!

It is now 10:00 a.m. and the golden tickets remain within the vault.

Jim Ranger (27) is a married worship pastor with three kids who is here to realize a dream and to support his family. Jim is going with an original number and Ronald is cringing. Do these contestants never watch the audition episodes? The title of the song is “Drive”. The song itself was not good but Jim has a good voice buried in there. This was an okay audition but nothing said wow to me. The judges seemed to like his voice. I will give Avril some credit telling him he will have to travel and leave his family behind if he becomes a pop star and votes no! Divine intervention is at work because Jim is going to Hollywood.

Time for our next video montage which commences with Simon telling Avril he likes having the devil on the show which then moves to a collection of contestants getting the thumbs down on their way to nowhere.

Damien Lefavor who is both a martial artist and a pacifist and I should care why - whoopee! Damien is choosing a Righteous Brother’s song but does not remember the title – this will not end well. The judges help him and we are all set to hear “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling”. It was a terrible waste of time. Damien can return to his day job preparing sandwiches.

We require more filler so cue montage about little kids who tag along and have the best voices, i.e. they adore their parents. We teach enabling at a very young age.

Mary Powers (28) has an eight year old who predicts her mother will be going to Hollywood (it is only across town after all) and be in the top 14 (how precious – NOT!). Mary let me explain there comes a time where you have to give up the cliché bad girl look and nearing 30 is the time. Mary chooses “Love is a Battlefield” and does a decent job. She has good pitch and there is strength in her voice. Simon likes her voice as does Avril and Randy. Mary receives her golden ticket. Wow is Ryan bringing in Mary’s daughter to meet Simon – I did not see this coming says Ronald sarcastically. Mary tells Simon her daughter is as cynical as he is and Ryan explains she likes Simon because he is so mean causing Simon to retort “Are you sure this is not my daughter?

We are nearing the end of day one as we cue montage of Adam Lambert imitators trying for the golden ticket from every audition city. Our last contestant is A. J. Mendoza (20) who brags of sending Adam a demo with Adam telling him how great he is – give me a freaking break! A. J. chooses “Cult of Personality” and neither sings as if he has one or provides any spark of one. This audition was the worst so far and we are only half way through the hour. Here is yet another contestant who does not listen and keeps begging for a chance to perform something else. A.J. receives four thumbs down yet still believes in his delusion he is talented.

I abhor violence yet right now have a desire to track down tonight’s director, producer and editor and destroy them for wasting my time. We are half way through yet have only seen two contestants receive their golden tickets – WTF!

Day 2

Welcome back as the sun rises over Los Angeles with a new guest judge. Katy Perry is joining the table with Avril off looking for her new Skater Boi! Katy explains she will be brutally honest and tells us it is ridiculous the other judges are arriving via helicopter. Katy you are jealous just admit it!

Will today’s contestants be able to put their best foot forward? It is time to find out.

Austin Fullmer (19) explains there is not anyone on the show who is like him sexually. Who cares, this is a freaking singing contest you idiot. Austin goes with “Surrender” and I ran for the hills doing just that. Austin’s performance is ridiculous. Austin certainly knows how to “suck”. You dear readers will see the dirty pun I am sure. Simon tells him to shut up and leave as “you are beginning to freak me out.”

This leads to our next video montage of contestants who receive rejection well – NOT with Cheap Trick’s “I Want You to Want Me” playing in the background.

Andrew Garcia (23) is another young dad whose family moved away from Compton so their children would not grow up to be gang members yet the father and son were sporting some interesting gang tattoos. The surprise here is Andrew’s audition is awesome. Andrew really can sing and has excellent control of his voice as well. I definitely saw a spark in this audition. Andrew receives great praise from the judges including “only person they’ve seen today who is a genuinely good singer,” “good song choice”, “you knew what to emphasize and what not to,”, and “you have mad vocals.” Andrew is going to Hollywood.

We are approaching 4:00 p.m. on day two and there have been no women receiving golden tickets as we cue montage of some horrible auditions.

Tasha Layton (26) is a personal assistant during the day while ministering during the night. Tasha goes with “Baby, Baby, Baby” by Joss Stone and she has a decent voice. There was no wow factor but I also did not go screaming out of the room in pain. The judges heard or saw more than I did as Tasha is heading to Hollywood.

Jason Greene (21) who believes in magic while apparently going back in time to steal an outfit from the 70’s? To give Jason Greene some credit he pulled the look off but that was it. I guess tonight is all about sex with Jason choosing “I Touch Myself” as his signature song and the entire performance was creepy and his voice was my fingers down the blackboard moment of the evening. The entire flirting banter was causing me to be nauseous in a major way. The judges save America by passing on Jason with the women indicating, “They feel dirty”! The producers should be heading for the hills at this moment if they wish to survive to irritate me again.

Imagine it is 6:15 p.m. while we cue montage of Katy and Kara going at it as “Hot and Cold” plays underneath which is so creative – NOT! It appears tempers are short and LA seems to be experiencing a shortage of superstars!

Chris Golightly (25) is the last contestant of the day but he is used to being along. Chris has been in the foster program since 18 months old and has lived with over 25 families. Chris explains music brought him security. My first thought is what is up with the Justin Guarini hairdo and the big chain hanging on his pants. Chris goes with “Stand by me” and has a decent voice but needs some lessons and experience in performing. Chris has a bad habit, which I hate in singers, which is keeping your eyes closed for the majority of the number. There needs to be a connection with the audience Chris. Once again, I see some promise but the audition created no wow moment for me. Randy likes him, Kara tells him you are one of my favorites, and you have enough talent and enough of a story to connect with the audience. Katy Perry brings us some reality with “This is not a Lifetime movie”. Katy and Simon give a small “y” while Kara and Randy give a big huge “y”. Chris is heading for Hollywood.

Day 2 ends with a montage of contestants going to Hollywood while the producers do not bother providing names. In total 22 received the golden ticket to travel across LA to Hollywood.

In my opinion, this was the worst and most boring audition episode bar none from the entire nine seasons. There are 22 contestants heading to Hollywood and we get exposure to only five, which is ridiculous.

That is Los Angeles!

Tonight the Idol Rodeo is heading for Dallas to see “How the West was won”! There are two guest judges paying a visit including Neil Patrick Harris and one of the Jonas Brothers (they all look alike to me but I do not remember their names although I believe it is the oldest brother).

Until tomorrow…