AI 8 - 1/27/09 - Jacksonville or "Taking a bite out of Ronald's Patience"

Last night we were visiting Jacksonville, Florida and it was a truly bizarre experience.

The opening montage was just very strange and enough with Simon making fun of Ryan’s announcer voice. There is a reason he is successful at what he does. What totally blew me away about the opening is the whole tribute to Randy because we are in Jacksonville, come on give me a break. This was just stupid although I did enjoy the clips of Journey playing.

12,000 people braved the waters of Jacksonville trying for the coveted golden ticket to Hollywood. How many will make it?

I found it strangely unnerving when Randy and Simon switched places at the judges table. It was odd and as the show continued, it got progressive stranger.

Joshua Ulloa (22) was up first and informs us he is often mistaken for Justin Guarini (Joshua I am not sure you want to make this type of connection). Joshua goes with “Let’s get it on”. First Joshua needed to lose the sunglasses I want to be able to see you while you are singing. Second what was up with all those gimmicks and sound effects, give me a break. It appears under all that flash he has an okay voice but I was not impressed. Simon felt parts of it were good but most were gimmicky and thought he was going to turn into Inspector Gadget. Randy thought he was crazy, wild and yet somehow he got his golden ticket. SCARY!

Sharon Wilbur (25) has come with her dog Sasha who recently had a haircut because it helps her relax. Give me a break. Naturally, Simon has to hold the dog while she is auditioning. Sharon chooses “Superstar” and for me she was not that good. She was on pitch but she squeaks too much and I do not think she has much vocal range. Randy likes the tone of her voice (what?) while Simon likes her voice as well. I am in a very strange universe. Kara says she sounds like Britney Spears in the “baby” part. This is a good thing, how? Then for some bizarre reason Kara and Paula start making out and Randy has to throw in the Katy Perry reference. Ronald screams – “What the f&*k?” The women say yes and Sharon is going to Hollywood. What is happening? I am sorry she did not come to the Kansas City auditions because I could use a “Wizard of Oz” reference oh what the hell – “I will get you my pretty and your little dog too!” Oh to be the Wicked Witch of the West last night.

Kara indicates her job is not done until she gets a kiss from Simon - way too much information for my taste.

Cue another stupid montage with Ryan lost in his golf car. LAME!

Dana Moreno is shown into the audition room and attempts “Through the Fire” and it was torture believe me. She tells the judges she will take any direction so Simon tells her how to exit the room.

Cue montage of Ryan arriving back at base camp – what is this Survivor? We are then shown Kaneswa Finna (16) who is just one very bubbly, smiley teenager with her mother advising us she is so great and I say you abusive enabler! Kaneswa goes with “Caught Up in the Rapture of Love”, oh please! May I say this was truly a ghastly audition; I literally wanted to jump through the screen and choke her. Simon indicates I have never heard that song like that in my life and it just got progressive worse, your voice is terrible. Kaneswa is not surprised by Simon’s nasty comment and advises her mother thinks she can sing so Simon invites her mother in and she proudly explains she has sung all over Jacksonville and Simon retorts “while continually moving”. While the judges feel, she has a great smile and attitude it is a no. Never fear because as her mother explains as they leave, she is still MY American Idol. Child Services should be contacted it is just plain abuse.

Julissa Veloz (19) is a beauty queen who wants to represent the Latin American community and actually wears her sash and crown from a pageant, can we say GLORY DAYS! Oh my god, she is going for Whitney Houston, what is up with these contestants, are you crazy! We also have another contestant with an annoying laugh, what is up this year? I totally did not like this audition. I thought she was a bit too nasally and her phrasing was off. It sounded like she was on pitch but I was just not impressed with her voice. Simon indicates you were better than I thought you would be but your laugh bothers me. Kara indicates you have a voice and you had me on the edge of my seat. Randy says yes and Paula gets into a snit because she didn’t get to talk and starts to leave with Julissa following her out, they had some strange background noise, like they were making out and Paula returns. The judges give her a ticket to Hollywood and I simply scream NO!

Cue montage leading up to our next contestant Darin Darnell who is apparently a people person, he just loves meeting people, getting to know them and he is working the room dancing and playing. We briefly meet someone he met there who is suddenly his BFF and poor Devin Cates is thrown to the curb by the judges, which visibly upsets Darin and thinks this will affect his chances. Darin chooses “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” and after he starts singing I am screaming we can’t say goodbye to you fast enough. Mr. Darnell was totally tone deaf and since I have that affliction, it was murder listening to him. Luckily, Simon stops him quickly. Poor Darin he was just an emotional wreck. Simon advises him it is not working and Kara indicates the music business is paved with heartache and if you cannot make it in this room, it is not for you. Finally, some good advice. Darin leaves with the tears flowing.

We then cue montage of all the other contestants who got no as they leave the audition room with the tears flowing freely. Get a backbone folks.

We are then up to the final contestant for day 1, Naomi Sykes who indicates, she is compared to Mariah Carey and I know this is going to be bad. Naomi tells Randy her best friend would really like to meet him so she is invited in and Randy wants slow motion (What is going on tonight?). We get the ole slow motion of two people meeting and hugging are we on American Idol or The Love Connection? This just makes Naomi even more hyper to the point she is asked if she has “ants in her pants!” Samantha gets to sit on Randy’s lap, Kara asks Paula to sit on her lap but she chooses Simon instead so Ryan is asked in to sit on Kara’s lap and Ronald is barely holding on to his dinner wanting to rush into the bathroom and throw up. I was happy to learn she was not going to sing Mariah but chooses an equally difficult song – “Lovin’ You”. What can I say about her voice, let me think, oh yes - appalling, atrocious, awful, dreadful, frightful, ghastly, grisly, gruesome, hideous, horrendous, horrid, horrifying, lurid, macabre, monstrous, nightmarish, shocking, terrible there are not enough words in the English language to describe how truly bad this was. Simon thinks this is a joke but not Naomi who explains everyone tells me I am great and those same individuals will be burning in hell for lying. It is a no but Kara, Randy, and Paula provide comfort via a group hug. Spare me!

Cue montage of the excited people going to Hollywood, 9 from the first day and part one ends with another montage of the bad, the very bad and the awful.

Day 2 opens with another montage about Jacksonville and will we take a bite out of it, i.e. alligators. The producers are sinking to a new low!

Jasmine Murray (16) is first up and we hear from her mother how Jasmine and she was not expected to make it through the pregnancy due to health issues. Jasmine is the baby of a large family. Jasmine goes with “Big Girl’s Don’t Cry” and for me it was okay but not great. I just was not impressed but the judges were. Simon indicates you are cute, commercial and have a good voice. Paula states you have a very nice voice. Jasmine is on her way to Hollywood. Ronald’s jaw drops to the floor.

George Ramirez (18) who is a physics student thinks a lot. Ryan asks him if he had to choose between physics or music what would his choice be? He does think and a lot. George is very awkward. George also has a beard, a very big, ugly beard. George is not a very happy person it seems but for some strange reason he chooses “Walking on Sunshine”. George has a low voice and no inflection, there was no fun, and it was monotone, boring and just plain bad. Simon asks if he has ever sung or auditioned before and we finally get somewhat of an answer. Simon asks where he sees himself in 11 years and after some careful thought he answers he will have a house with nice floors made out of marble – EXCUSE ME – shouldn’t you say you will be a big recording star! George goes home without the golden ticket.

Right after George we go to commercial and the first one is a Cottonell commercial with a very cute dog; this dog had more personality than George did. I would have sent the dog through to Hollywood.

We are back with another montage, this one about the beaches of Jacksonville and all the hot bodies.

Anne Marie Boskovich (22) is next. She is nervous and adores Kara. She heard her sing in Nashville once and starts singing snippets of this song. Simon indicates she is attractive and has a nice voice but he wants her to come back and be herself, what? I do not think this was really her audition song but Randy backs him up so Anne Marie leaves temporarily.

T. K. Hash (23) is back after trying last year but not making it. I do not remember T.K., which is unusual so he must have been unremarkable. T.K. chooses “Imagine” and while I think, he has a very good voice he put in way too many runs the melody was almost unrecognizable. The bottom line though is he has a great sounding voice and with the right songs will probably do well. He also had a great positive attitude. Paula indicates he has a good voice, you sang better than last year. Randy indicates you were way over the top with the runs and changing the melody, sometimes it is okay just to sing a great melody. T.K. gets his ticket to Hollywood but Simon said no. T.K. is the first contestant from tonight’s show I agree should get a chance in Hollywood.

Cue a new montage and this time we are focusing on families and how they are there to support their son, daughter, grandchild, brother, sister, niece, nephew, friend, etc. through the audition process or in other words ENABLE their delusions about how talented they are. This all leads up to Michael Perrelli (18) who takes his guitar everywhere he goes. Michael is crushed when he learns he is not able to play the guitar during his audition, he is just not sure he can manage. The kid actually freaks out about it. Oh cry me a river; I guess I do not have to because Michael actually is. Michael chooses “Jumper” and is not terrible but is not wonderful either. He was on pitch for the most part but his voice just does not say “STAR QUALITY”. Simon indicates you are interesting but your voice is not. Kara thinks he would do better with his guitar. Michael starts talking back while Simon and Randy is having none of it. They tell him do not make excuses. Michael leaves empty handed and continues crying all the way out the door promising to make it big anyway. Michael your 18, you still have plenty of time and if American Idol lasts that long 10 more years to keep trying.

It is time for Anne Marie Boskovich to have her second audition. She has taken off her jacket and found someone to apply make up and suddenly she has supermodel looks, PLEASE! Anne Marie is prepared to sing “Umbrella” or “Bubbly”, Simon tells her to go with the second one. Oh, she actually has a good voice, she can sing. I would not say it was star quality but on the other hand, given the crap I have heard tonight she is definitely worthy of the golden ticket she receives.

In total only 16 contestants received, a golden ticket and we only heard 6. I agree with only 2 of those.

The auditions from Jacksonville were just plain weird. I might have to agree with a comment made during my Toastmaster’s meeting this morning, alien pod people have taken over and replaced the judges. We were treated to some very bizarre behavior even for this show. Enough with the Love Boat, I want Hell’s Kitchen!

Next up is Salt Lake City, which is the home of David Archuleta. We are teased with a clip of a member of the Osmond family trying out, oh joy!

Until tomorrow…