AI 8 – 1/29/09 – New York City (New Jersey) and San Juan or rather “West Side Story” Part 2

American Idol visited New York (really East Rutherford, New Jersey) and San Juan, Puerto Rico for the tale of two cities and there connector ends up being “West Side Story” what are we expecting the contestants from each city going on a rumble, please! Do not get me wrong, I love the musical but this is certainly a lame connection and it certainly does not have a happy ending. If some contestant attempts “Somewhere” tonight, I will blow a gasket.

I see the economy has not hurt the producers of American Idol when they can pay for all those limos and helicopter rides!

Adeola Adegoke (19) proudly announces she is compared to Mariah Carey and Mary Jo Blige. As if! She is so confident in her success she has given up her job to try out for American Idol – What the f&*k! Clearly, this is not going to be pleasant. Adeola decides on “And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going”, is she nuts? Oh surprise she is bad with a capital B! In what deluded world does she live in? This was another finger down the chalkboard moment. Simon asks her if she has delivered her resignation letter and she answers yes, you need to retract it, the audition was shockingly bad. Does Adeola listen? No, she has to start talking back and trying to sing. When Paula says this is not your thing, you had better listen. Kara advises her to keep your day job. It is a no for Adeloa but it does not matter, she is “not giving up”! Oh my how sweet, Simon calls her boss and gets her job back. Good heavens what else is the boss going to say when he knows it will air on national TV. This was just pathetic!

Cue montage of San Juan, apparently we will be switching back and forth – oh joy!

Jorge Nunez (20) wants to rock America with his voice and then chooses “My Way”! Jorge sings in Spanish and I will give him credit for a good voice but it is not strong enough or pop enough to win. Paula asks whether he can sing in English and Jorge goes with “What a Wonderful World”. It was okay but I did not like it as much as the first number. Jorge’s accent is very strong and his enunciation of English was not good. Kara explains she felt more while he sang in Spanish but had an issue with his pronunciation of English. Simon pipes up with they came to Puerto Rico for Puerto Rican singers, so the accent is not an issue. Randy loved it, felt he was brilliant and Paula followed with he has the power of Mark Anthony. Jorge is going to Hollywood.

Jessika Baier (20) comes to Puerto Rico from Michigan financing the trip for her and 9 or 10 family members by money she won in a contest. What do these people think? The family could have rented a very nice van and drove to Kansas City and it would have cost less then it did for them to go to Puerto Rico. Jessika has been in contests since she was eight months old, apparently more than 700 contests and this is how she finances her life. She claims to have opened for Drake Bell and Corbin Bleu, she met Jessica Simpson in an airport, and I should care, why? Am I hearing right, she is going with a Celine Dion song, this is going to be bad. All I can say is she is very, very loud. Her voice was okay but there is no way she will ever win. Simon is not happy and Jessika gets very defensive which is the wrong tactic and make excuses about how nervous she is while she is jumping up and down. I just want the whole thing to be over. Thankfully, Jessika has to go back to Michigan without her golden ticket.

Our next montage is a clip of all the contestants who are told no golden ticket explaining to the audience how the judges are wrong. Get over it people!

We are switching back to New York and bald headed and bra less Melinda Camille (21) who is a very happy shiny person; I guess she should have auditioned in Salt Lake City. Melinda wants to help humanity with her voice by uplifting their spirits as she is dancing naked in her room. What? Yes, Melinda loves to dance naked and wants to join a nudist colony which is a fact Simon latches on to right away and asks her about it, she tells them about her dancing with Simon popping in with this must be part of the way you are going to uplift people. Kara asks if she wants to be naked right now and Melinda replies yes if everyone else were, LOL! Simon tells her to picture Randy naked as she sings. Melinda goes with “Feelin’ Good”. Melinda’s voice is fine but she has some issues because there were several times she lost the pitch but she has great enunciation. I do not think her voice is powerful enough to succeed. If her happy persona is real, she does not have the backbone to make it in the music business or handle the rigors of being a celebrity. Randy thinks she has a good voice but be careful because you fell off the melody, Kara indicates she is like a vitamin boost. Melinda is going to Hollywood.

Our next montage is Ryan dancing with some punk guy in the holding room and we needed this why?

Jackie Tohn (27) was hooked on music after her dad thought she should learn how to play the guitar and she is in nirvana writing songs and wanting to share her talents through American Idol. Jackie chooses “I’m Yours” and her voice is okay but she was barely on pitch and I was not too impressed. Simon asks her to sing another song. I am not sure if she sang one of her own songs because I did not recognize the second number but I liked the second audition better than the first but I still do not think her voice is strong enough for the competition. Paula indicates she is unpredictable, Randy likes her husky tone, and Kara wants to hear what she will do next and in the middle of the judge’s comments, the tinted covering over the window came crashing down. Jackie asks for some advice on what they want to hear from her and Simon explains an artist would never ask such a question they would know. Jackie is going to Hollywood.

Cue the next montage from San Juan which is of bad singers begging for another chance to the background theme of “Wicked Games” which then fades to people with lots of energy but no talent but this group is at least identified – Kate Cassidy, Carlos Santos, Antyon Smith and Jasmine Jones.

Joel Contreras from Puerto Rico is known as the crazy rocker and his introductory montage is awash with ridiculous antics none of which includes any type of real singing. Oh joy Joel enters the audition room with a giant cut out iPod and explains he is the human iPod or Guy Pod – give me a f&*kin break! Joel cannot sing and this audition is not worth my time. Simon stops him with I cannot listen to this, I hate the whole act, it is terrible but he allows him to try again and it is even worse. Joel pulls out a lion hand puppet and starts singing “Circle of Life” and Ronald is about to blow a blood vessel. Finally, the judges have had enough. I guess Joel was happy with his 15 minutes of fame because he runs out of the room screaming, “I got a no” and is quite happy about it. The next thing we see is Joel in a super hero outfit jumping into a pool! What?

Back in New York, we are presented with Nick Mitchell or rather “Norman Gentle”. Give this crap a rest; I am giving up watching Smallville for Nick! Norman had a barely okay voice when he started his audition but all his stupid faces and movements were making me ill. Simon stops him and wants him to sing with no gimmicks or funny faces. Norman goes with “Amazing Grace” and when he started, I really liked the beginning but then he could not just keep singing instead he had to bring out the funny faces. Simon stops him again and says you promised not to be funny. Norman replies you hurt me “where you get kicked sometimes”. Simon pops back with he thought he would like it and Norman retorts with “Like you like it when Seacrest does it?” I have to admit I did laugh out loud on that remark. I have no idea why but Nick/Norman is going to Hollywood. Spare me!

Cue new montage of contestants sent to Hollywood including Ashley Hollister, Kenny Hoffpauer, and Kendall Beard while “I’m So Excited” is playing in the background which than fades into a montage of really bad singers including Nicola Laraway, Mark Granata, and Michael Sconners.

Back in Puerto Rico Monique Garcia Torres (16), yet more time is spent on her 9-year-old brother Christopher, please using the cute kid card – shameless. Christopher gives Paula a shell, which broke, but I guess it is the thought, which counts. Simon converses with Christopher who he clearly likes and asks if his sister is good. Naturally, he says yes. Randy asks if she should be singing “You Can’t Hurry Love” and Christopher tells her to think carefully. Monique’s voice is sweet but she had pitch problems but it was not horrible. The judges allow her another song and she goes with “I turn to you” which I think was not as good as the first attempt. Simon tells her she should have chosen a song more in her range. Kara does not feel her voice is fully developed and indicates she needs to have the same confidence in herself as Christopher does. Randy and Kara say no, Paula says yes and Simon indicates it was a bit old-fashioned and cabaret but he is going to give her another shot at it. Monique and Christopher are going to Hollywood.

Please tell me not again but there she is Alexis Cohen who famously created a stir when she tried out in Philadelphia last season. The woman who could swear better than anyone I know and her favorite gesture is the bird. Good heavens is she meditating. We apparently have a kinder more pleasant Alexis practicing Buddhism – give me a break! Alexis attempts “Like a Prayer” and between the horrible notes and ridiculous movements, this was a total train wreck. Simon advises her it was fairly horrendous, you cannot sing, and it was worse than before. Kara agrees with Simon. Initially Alexis is restrained but she cannot hold it in and the crazy woman returns and she flips the bird and is bleeped out of the audition room. She tells Ryan she chocked but there have been thousands of people supporting her. Oh come on does she have that many voices in her head! Where is the straight jacket when you need one?

Our final audition of the evening originates from San Juan. Patricia Lewis Roman (20) is there with her family. Her parents were married and had their reception in the same building as the auditions and I should care why? Patricia goes with “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”. What is wrong with these contestants? You do not try songs from big Divas. In the end, her voice was okay but not spectacular and she was having breathing issues. Simon does not think she is good enough and it was a very bad song choice. Patricia gets another chance and sings in Spanish and I will admit this time I could hear her voice and it has a very nice tone to it but it is not for American Idol. Paula says no. Randy says yes and Kara was on the fence. We never know how Kara and Simon vote but she had to have gotten another yes because she comes out with her Golden Ticket. Naturally, her family is extremely happy and they start partying.

The show ends with a big musical parade, which the judges join, and Ronald is just happy it is over.

In the end 26 contestants, get golden tickets in New York but only 9 from Puerto Rico. I really did not like any of the contestants they gave golden tickets to this evening.

We move to Hollywood next week with the 149 contestants who will be joining us. The judges will be giving the boot to 113 of them while America gets to kick out 24 over the three weeks of the semi-final rounds.

We are promised the most dramatic Hollywood week ever. I will believe it when I see it.

Until next week…

AI 8 – 1/28/09 Salt Lake City or who put the Happy Pills in the Water!

Last night the American Idol juggernaut pulled into Salt Lake City so we must cue the opening montage as the sun comes up over the city at 5:00 a.m. It appears love is in the air with “Shiny Happy People” playing in the background. The contestants are excessively chipper for my tastes. We are visiting the home of David Archuleta and he cannot bother showing up – what is wrong with that picture? The High School Musical movies shot in Salt Lake and kudos to Paula for knowing this little trivia. If you have not seen them what is wrong with you, but I digress.

David Osmond (now 29) is the first contestant. I have to confess I am an Osmond Family fan. The very first record I bought with my own money (a 45 at that) was back in 1971, it was “One Bad Apple”. I am also old enough to have seen the Osmond Brothers on The Andy Williams show on a regular basis. Since none of you is, here to read about me we will move forward. David is the son of the oldest Osmond brother, Alan. Unless you have, a heart of stone this back-story is very moving. David has MS like his father and as little as two years ago was in a wheelchair and unable to play guitar. The video was very emotional. I did laugh out loud when Simon asked him if he was related to the Osmond’s and he responded, “Yes I am one of a million.” David definitely has the Idol look. David went with “Something within me” and I agree with the judges it was a strange choice of song but he can sing. I really liked his voice and he has great control of it. Paula is concerned he picked a group song versus a song by a solo artist. Randy did not like the song either and Simon does not feel he can be contemporary but David gets his golden ticket to Hollywood.

Tara Matthews (21) or “Goth girl” for short is next. Can we talk about her very inappropriate outfit? Given I am fat I have no problems in indicating this girl can dress Goth without looking so horrible. The outfit was too tight so you could count all 12 rolls of fat and do not get me started on how slutty this was. Tara honey you need a stylist. Tara explains she has ESP because she knows when people are going to die – WHAT! Simon’s facial reaction to Tara when she walked in was priceless – perhaps MasterCard could use it in their ad campaign. The judges want to know something about her so Tara says she has ESP and they naturally ask her if she will win and indicates she has a good feeling but she does not know. Oh please, I do not have ESP and I can see the train heading down the tracks. Tara goes with “One Day I’ll Fly Away”. As she started to sing Ronald started to scream, oh my god, it was the fingers down the chalkboard moment, she was shrill, off pitch and I shouting shut up already. As she started with the title, Simon pipes up with “Hopefully Soon”. Simon explains it was horrendous from the outfit, the song choice, the voice, you sounded like a baby. Tara goes home without her golden ticket and she didn’t have her happy pill because she was flying the bird as she left hopefully never to be see or heard from again.

Let us cue montage of identified contestants who get the boot including Aleesha Turner, Katie Sullivan and Rich Kagel who Simon tells him will never in a billion years make it as a singer.

Chris Kirkham (26) telemarketer (I hate him already) is ready to win over the judges. Chris comes with his lucky charm, which instead of a rabbit’s foot is the entire rabbit in the form of his friend Greg dressed in a big pink bunny suit, I kid you not, and can we say desperate for his 15 minutes of fame. Chris also comes in with a fan which is Simon’s head on a stick – what is the world coming to? Chris chooses “Roll to me” and while his voice was not horrible, there is no way he is a singer with a chance of winning. This was just a ridiculous waste of time. Greg does go over and give Simon a big hug but at least Simon is getting a big paycheck for the embarrassment of it all.

Cue next montage this time on how David Archuleta’s niceness has infected the entire city bringing out their best. With the strains of “Put on A Happy Face” from “Bye, Bye Birdie” heard in the background we get a host of contestants who are sent home with no golden ticket while they are thanking the judges with their shiny happy faces – give me a break! The clip ends with Ryan giving the rest of the contestants a pep talk to motivate them to go in there and fight for the golden ticket.

Frankie Jordan (24) who is a stay-at-home mom and because of having her kid feels she can do anything, “I am born to perform”. Frankie goes with an Amy Winehouse song, I have heard it but I do not remember the title. I liked her voice; she has a nice tone, is on pitch and can enunciate. Simon indicates he quite likes her voice and Paula indicates she has a distinctive voice. Frankie gets her golden ticket. Oh no, did Ryan just say Frankie Goes To Hollywood, too cheesy.

Megan Corkrey (23) is another mother motivated by her love for her 2-year-old son Rider to go the distance. She recently decided the life she had planned with her husband was not going to work out so she on her way to divorce court. While the decision to divorce made her cry the antics of Rider always cheers her up. The ugly tattoo covering her arm was my only distraction. Megan tells the judges it is her birthday so she gets the big “happy birthday” from the judges. Megan chooses “Can’t Help Loving that man of Mine”. I really liked this audition. Megan has a cool voice, it really grows on you, and she had very good control. Randy rather likes her, Paula agrees but she is bordering on loving her (Please no more make out sessions), Simon thinks she is different, unique, I like you, I like your voice, you are one of my favorites, I will remember this audition. Megan is on her way to Hollywood.

Next up is a preview of Kelly Clarkson’s new single “My Life Would Suck Without You”. It is currently number 1. I love this song. Welcome Back Kelly!

Cue the next montage of happy shiny people, which includes a host of contestants getting a golden ticket but ends with Andrew Gibson getting the boot but he is okay with this, he is just going to go back to school.

Austin Sisneros (17) only wants to inspire everyone to follow their dreams. Austin is the president of his senior class and has mountains of energy because he is involved in a whole lot of projects, Ryan must be his mentor. Austin chooses “When I Look at the Sky”. I liked his voice but he was having some enunciation issues, which is one of my breaking points. The judges give him a second chance and he goes with “It Takes a Village”. This was a much better performance than the first one. I think he has a very nice voice but this kid is excessively nice to make it in the cutthroat world of entertainment. Randy likes his voice but not his weird song choices. Kara indicates there is something genuine about him. Paula thinks he has something going on while Simon thinks he is likeable but needs to stay young but you could be great. Austin is going to Hollywood.

It is time for another montage but at least I get another reference to High School Musical. Have I said how much I love those films? Yes, I have but so what, if you have not seen them get busy. The montage finally breaks through the happy pills and we get shots of contestants crying because they receive a no vote from the judges, this is more genuine.

The producers show a very fast clip of Jarret Burns (24) who does get a golden ticket but there was not enough of his singing for me to provide an opinion on whether it is justified.

Taylor Vaifanua (16) lives to sing. Her parents moved her back from the Islands to give her more opportunities to fulfill her dreams. Taylor explains she is 5’11” without heels and 6’2” with heels. As she enters the room Randy compares her to Jordin Sparks, please give me a break! Taylor goes with “Joyful, Joyful” which is an interesting song choice. Watch “Sister Act 2” to figure out why. In my opinion, this was not a good audition. Taylor was trying excessively hard, was putting in too many runs and she was having breath control problems as well. I will admit her voice was nice and she was on pitch but it is the only positive thing to say. The judges on the other hand were fawning over it just a bit too much. Kara heard her in the bathroom several times and was impressed. Randy thinks she is a natural, one of the best vocals he has heard, I love the way you released the notes and your pitch was good. Taylor is going to Hollywood.

Rose Flack (17) is last as the producers tease us with snippets of her story for most of the episode. Rose is currently living with the Bye family because both of her parents are dead, her dad when she was 13 and her mother when she was 15. The producers do not skimp on providing endless clips of her crying over pictures. I found it interesting her brother Jonathan has been her greatest support but apparently not enough to care for her on a daily basis – what is up with that? Rose had on what is a hideous outfit. Rose goes with “I Feel the Earth Move”. She has a very good voice but she has not learned to control it yet because it cracked several times. I am not sure she has the wherewithal to make it but overall it was a good performance. Paula indicates she has a beautiful voice but needs to work on her vocals. Simon indicates it was not a good song choice but I will remember you. Randy loves her cool vibe. Rose is going to Hollywood.

Salt Lake City is providing only 13 contestants with golden tickets, which means all those happy pills did not help. The producers gave us a chance to see seven of those contestants.

How exciting we get an extra episode of American Idol tonight with the final auditions from New York City (really New Jersey) and San Juan. I guess they did not deserve their own single episodes, which probably tells us all we need to know.

I was thrilled with the clips of the Hollywood episodes as it is clear we are going to have group numbers again and they look brutal. There are two weeks of Hollywood episodes this year with the final 36 announced on February 12. There is only 18 days before America gets to start voting. I am already practicing my dialing finger exercises. I will be ready!

Until tomorrow…

AI 8 - 1/27/09 - Jacksonville or "Taking a bite out of Ronald's Patience"

Last night we were visiting Jacksonville, Florida and it was a truly bizarre experience.

The opening montage was just very strange and enough with Simon making fun of Ryan’s announcer voice. There is a reason he is successful at what he does. What totally blew me away about the opening is the whole tribute to Randy because we are in Jacksonville, come on give me a break. This was just stupid although I did enjoy the clips of Journey playing.

12,000 people braved the waters of Jacksonville trying for the coveted golden ticket to Hollywood. How many will make it?

I found it strangely unnerving when Randy and Simon switched places at the judges table. It was odd and as the show continued, it got progressive stranger.

Joshua Ulloa (22) was up first and informs us he is often mistaken for Justin Guarini (Joshua I am not sure you want to make this type of connection). Joshua goes with “Let’s get it on”. First Joshua needed to lose the sunglasses I want to be able to see you while you are singing. Second what was up with all those gimmicks and sound effects, give me a break. It appears under all that flash he has an okay voice but I was not impressed. Simon felt parts of it were good but most were gimmicky and thought he was going to turn into Inspector Gadget. Randy thought he was crazy, wild and yet somehow he got his golden ticket. SCARY!

Sharon Wilbur (25) has come with her dog Sasha who recently had a haircut because it helps her relax. Give me a break. Naturally, Simon has to hold the dog while she is auditioning. Sharon chooses “Superstar” and for me she was not that good. She was on pitch but she squeaks too much and I do not think she has much vocal range. Randy likes the tone of her voice (what?) while Simon likes her voice as well. I am in a very strange universe. Kara says she sounds like Britney Spears in the “baby” part. This is a good thing, how? Then for some bizarre reason Kara and Paula start making out and Randy has to throw in the Katy Perry reference. Ronald screams – “What the f&*k?” The women say yes and Sharon is going to Hollywood. What is happening? I am sorry she did not come to the Kansas City auditions because I could use a “Wizard of Oz” reference oh what the hell – “I will get you my pretty and your little dog too!” Oh to be the Wicked Witch of the West last night.

Kara indicates her job is not done until she gets a kiss from Simon - way too much information for my taste.

Cue another stupid montage with Ryan lost in his golf car. LAME!

Dana Moreno is shown into the audition room and attempts “Through the Fire” and it was torture believe me. She tells the judges she will take any direction so Simon tells her how to exit the room.

Cue montage of Ryan arriving back at base camp – what is this Survivor? We are then shown Kaneswa Finna (16) who is just one very bubbly, smiley teenager with her mother advising us she is so great and I say you abusive enabler! Kaneswa goes with “Caught Up in the Rapture of Love”, oh please! May I say this was truly a ghastly audition; I literally wanted to jump through the screen and choke her. Simon indicates I have never heard that song like that in my life and it just got progressive worse, your voice is terrible. Kaneswa is not surprised by Simon’s nasty comment and advises her mother thinks she can sing so Simon invites her mother in and she proudly explains she has sung all over Jacksonville and Simon retorts “while continually moving”. While the judges feel, she has a great smile and attitude it is a no. Never fear because as her mother explains as they leave, she is still MY American Idol. Child Services should be contacted it is just plain abuse.

Julissa Veloz (19) is a beauty queen who wants to represent the Latin American community and actually wears her sash and crown from a pageant, can we say GLORY DAYS! Oh my god, she is going for Whitney Houston, what is up with these contestants, are you crazy! We also have another contestant with an annoying laugh, what is up this year? I totally did not like this audition. I thought she was a bit too nasally and her phrasing was off. It sounded like she was on pitch but I was just not impressed with her voice. Simon indicates you were better than I thought you would be but your laugh bothers me. Kara indicates you have a voice and you had me on the edge of my seat. Randy says yes and Paula gets into a snit because she didn’t get to talk and starts to leave with Julissa following her out, they had some strange background noise, like they were making out and Paula returns. The judges give her a ticket to Hollywood and I simply scream NO!

Cue montage leading up to our next contestant Darin Darnell who is apparently a people person, he just loves meeting people, getting to know them and he is working the room dancing and playing. We briefly meet someone he met there who is suddenly his BFF and poor Devin Cates is thrown to the curb by the judges, which visibly upsets Darin and thinks this will affect his chances. Darin chooses “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” and after he starts singing I am screaming we can’t say goodbye to you fast enough. Mr. Darnell was totally tone deaf and since I have that affliction, it was murder listening to him. Luckily, Simon stops him quickly. Poor Darin he was just an emotional wreck. Simon advises him it is not working and Kara indicates the music business is paved with heartache and if you cannot make it in this room, it is not for you. Finally, some good advice. Darin leaves with the tears flowing.

We then cue montage of all the other contestants who got no as they leave the audition room with the tears flowing freely. Get a backbone folks.

We are then up to the final contestant for day 1, Naomi Sykes who indicates, she is compared to Mariah Carey and I know this is going to be bad. Naomi tells Randy her best friend would really like to meet him so she is invited in and Randy wants slow motion (What is going on tonight?). We get the ole slow motion of two people meeting and hugging are we on American Idol or The Love Connection? This just makes Naomi even more hyper to the point she is asked if she has “ants in her pants!” Samantha gets to sit on Randy’s lap, Kara asks Paula to sit on her lap but she chooses Simon instead so Ryan is asked in to sit on Kara’s lap and Ronald is barely holding on to his dinner wanting to rush into the bathroom and throw up. I was happy to learn she was not going to sing Mariah but chooses an equally difficult song – “Lovin’ You”. What can I say about her voice, let me think, oh yes - appalling, atrocious, awful, dreadful, frightful, ghastly, grisly, gruesome, hideous, horrendous, horrid, horrifying, lurid, macabre, monstrous, nightmarish, shocking, terrible there are not enough words in the English language to describe how truly bad this was. Simon thinks this is a joke but not Naomi who explains everyone tells me I am great and those same individuals will be burning in hell for lying. It is a no but Kara, Randy, and Paula provide comfort via a group hug. Spare me!

Cue montage of the excited people going to Hollywood, 9 from the first day and part one ends with another montage of the bad, the very bad and the awful.

Day 2 opens with another montage about Jacksonville and will we take a bite out of it, i.e. alligators. The producers are sinking to a new low!

Jasmine Murray (16) is first up and we hear from her mother how Jasmine and she was not expected to make it through the pregnancy due to health issues. Jasmine is the baby of a large family. Jasmine goes with “Big Girl’s Don’t Cry” and for me it was okay but not great. I just was not impressed but the judges were. Simon indicates you are cute, commercial and have a good voice. Paula states you have a very nice voice. Jasmine is on her way to Hollywood. Ronald’s jaw drops to the floor.

George Ramirez (18) who is a physics student thinks a lot. Ryan asks him if he had to choose between physics or music what would his choice be? He does think and a lot. George is very awkward. George also has a beard, a very big, ugly beard. George is not a very happy person it seems but for some strange reason he chooses “Walking on Sunshine”. George has a low voice and no inflection, there was no fun, and it was monotone, boring and just plain bad. Simon asks if he has ever sung or auditioned before and we finally get somewhat of an answer. Simon asks where he sees himself in 11 years and after some careful thought he answers he will have a house with nice floors made out of marble – EXCUSE ME – shouldn’t you say you will be a big recording star! George goes home without the golden ticket.

Right after George we go to commercial and the first one is a Cottonell commercial with a very cute dog; this dog had more personality than George did. I would have sent the dog through to Hollywood.

We are back with another montage, this one about the beaches of Jacksonville and all the hot bodies.

Anne Marie Boskovich (22) is next. She is nervous and adores Kara. She heard her sing in Nashville once and starts singing snippets of this song. Simon indicates she is attractive and has a nice voice but he wants her to come back and be herself, what? I do not think this was really her audition song but Randy backs him up so Anne Marie leaves temporarily.

T. K. Hash (23) is back after trying last year but not making it. I do not remember T.K., which is unusual so he must have been unremarkable. T.K. chooses “Imagine” and while I think, he has a very good voice he put in way too many runs the melody was almost unrecognizable. The bottom line though is he has a great sounding voice and with the right songs will probably do well. He also had a great positive attitude. Paula indicates he has a good voice, you sang better than last year. Randy indicates you were way over the top with the runs and changing the melody, sometimes it is okay just to sing a great melody. T.K. gets his ticket to Hollywood but Simon said no. T.K. is the first contestant from tonight’s show I agree should get a chance in Hollywood.

Cue a new montage and this time we are focusing on families and how they are there to support their son, daughter, grandchild, brother, sister, niece, nephew, friend, etc. through the audition process or in other words ENABLE their delusions about how talented they are. This all leads up to Michael Perrelli (18) who takes his guitar everywhere he goes. Michael is crushed when he learns he is not able to play the guitar during his audition, he is just not sure he can manage. The kid actually freaks out about it. Oh cry me a river; I guess I do not have to because Michael actually is. Michael chooses “Jumper” and is not terrible but is not wonderful either. He was on pitch for the most part but his voice just does not say “STAR QUALITY”. Simon indicates you are interesting but your voice is not. Kara thinks he would do better with his guitar. Michael starts talking back while Simon and Randy is having none of it. They tell him do not make excuses. Michael leaves empty handed and continues crying all the way out the door promising to make it big anyway. Michael your 18, you still have plenty of time and if American Idol lasts that long 10 more years to keep trying.

It is time for Anne Marie Boskovich to have her second audition. She has taken off her jacket and found someone to apply make up and suddenly she has supermodel looks, PLEASE! Anne Marie is prepared to sing “Umbrella” or “Bubbly”, Simon tells her to go with the second one. Oh, she actually has a good voice, she can sing. I would not say it was star quality but on the other hand, given the crap I have heard tonight she is definitely worthy of the golden ticket she receives.

In total only 16 contestants received, a golden ticket and we only heard 6. I agree with only 2 of those.

The auditions from Jacksonville were just plain weird. I might have to agree with a comment made during my Toastmaster’s meeting this morning, alien pod people have taken over and replaced the judges. We were treated to some very bizarre behavior even for this show. Enough with the Love Boat, I want Hell’s Kitchen!

Next up is Salt Lake City, which is the home of David Archuleta. We are teased with a clip of a member of the Osmond family trying out, oh joy!

Until tomorrow…

AI 8 - 1/21/09 Louisville

Last night’s audition show originated from Louisville Kentucky and at Churchill Downs no less. Naturally there were way too many references to the Kentucky Derby, the winner’s circle, bluegrass, the Louisville slugger et al. It was just too much for me.

The opening montage went on far too long and what is up with the red carpet and fanfare for the judges, LAME!

Tiffany Shedd (18) is the first audition we see. There are her parents supporting her all the way or in my world enablers. She gives private concerts to her parents and others. Tiffany tells us no matter what happens she will leave with a positive outlook – AS IF! Tiffany chooses to perform “Hero” by Mariah Carey. Do these contestants never learn from watching prior shows, you cannot out do Mariah! What can I say but it was just horrible and she has really poor enunciation. It was a train wreck. Simon goes with a horse race reference by comparing Tiffany to 22 horses and 1 donkey – guess who is the ass? Kara feels Simon went to far but all the judges advise her singing is not in her future. Guess what, Kara is not happy about it – there went the positive outlook! Her mother tells her don’t let them get you down and Tiffany belts out Celine’s “Because you Loved Me”, butchering my ear drums while her mother is so happy and smiley because she is so Great, oh my heavens her parents should be locked up for abuse! Tiffany leaves shouting the judges are only looking for nerds and freaks; she will never watch the show again. I am happy I will never have to hear her again.

Joanna Pacitti (23) is also encouraged by her mother – oh joy! As she enters the audition room Kara recognizes her; it seems Joanna was previously signed with A&M records. For all those who feel it isn’t fair, the rules indicate a contestant cannot currently have a contract with any company at the time of the audition. This is because if you advance in the competition you are required to sign a deal with the production company of American Idol. Joanna chooses “We Belong” and does a really good job. I thought her voice was strong and it has a nice tone. She definitely has the look of a pop star. The judges give her a unanimous yes.

Mark Mudd, Jr. (25) is the next contestant. Mark lets us know he has been in two car accidents and has nearly died 5 times. Mark is also a descendant of Dr. Samuel Mudd who fixed the leg of John Wilkes Booth after the assassination of Abraham Lincoln leading to the express “Your name is mud!” Oh joy! I realize it is tacky and mean but I just have to say Mr. Mudd needs to visit a dentist; he is the living breathing stereotypical example of hillbilly in-breeding. As Mark enters the room Simon asks him if it is a gun on his belt (as if the producers would let a gun through), it is his cell phone carrier. Mark chooses “White Lightning” (screams hillbilly) and it was pretty awful, his voice was cracking big time. Paula indicates it was not bad (EXCUSE ME) but you are not right for this competition which causes Simon to pipe up with what competition is right – Wheel of Fortune? There is some awkward silence and Mark starts to leave and turns back and says “Be Careful” which the judges take as a threat. Please. In my opinion the producers should have simply left this part out especially given the recent “suicide” of a prior contestant in December. This was just not necessary.

Brent Keith Smith (28) is our next contestant. Mr. Keith was a finalist in the second season of “Nashville Star”. I need a life because I have way too much pop culture trivia floating in my head. Brent definitely has the looks and surprisingly also has the vocal pipes to back it up. Brent goes with “Can’t Get Enough” and sounded really great, there was a nice tone to his voice, very good control and thankfully he can enunciate as well. Paula was surprised by his voice, Simon thought the song choice was ridiculous and should have chosen something more emotional (this coming from Simon), Paula interrupts him with a “yes” vote” and than Kara starts in with Simon but then stops talking, finally Simon says yes which causes both woman to jump under the table (What? – crazy!). Brent is just happy for his golden ticket. I think he will do well in the competition.

Cue another montage which leads up with Louisville being the home of the Louisville slugger which leads to several contestants striking out. Irene Angueloba was screeching “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”, Obianuju Omwurah butchered some song I couldn’t recognize, Wil Heuser murdered one of my favorite songs “Tainted Love”, Ryan Renningfield was dressed and had face make-up which made him look like a zebra and poor heavyset Patrick Warner stumbled big time with “Billie Jean” including some really horrible dance moves.

Matt Giraud (27) a dueling piano player from Kalamazoo who never had a piano lesson in his life and he is freaking great at the piano. Matt has a fun personality as well. We can only hope is voice is as good. Matt chooses “I Don’t Wanna Be”. I really like this audition. I thought Matt did a great job, he was on pitch and he played around with the melody. I am pumped to see how he does in Hollywood. Yes he got a golden ticket! Simon compared him to Elliot Yamin.

Ross Bradley Plavsic (26) loves to study challenging subjects and this weird thing with Chinese characters. He says he didn’t think it was possible to learn how to sing but he did by watching You Tube (this has got to be bad). He is concerned because the air quality has caused him to have a scratch throat. Ross goes with “Cara Mia”, what a piss poor choice of song but it really doesn’t matter because he friggin’ sucks the big one and what a very weird lower register he was going for. Naturally he brings up the throat issue and heads over and slips from Paula’s cup using her straw, I was laughing out loud. Ross then attempts “Love Me Tender” but there is no improvement and he is sent packing while Paula asks for a new cup!

Day One ends with 10 golden tickets. Day two starts out with another montage of the judges arriving – waste of time producers!

Alexis Grace (20) who is a 20 year old stay at home mom, the father of her child is away at military school. Alexis says daughter Ryan is her motivation to audition. Alexis goes with “Dr. Feelgood” and it felt good. I thought she was a bit loud and she needs to stop with the head movement but her voice is pure and she was on pitch. She definitely has the looks to succeed. Simon says she has a commercial face, Paula says yes but you need to work on stage presence, Randy wants Alexis to come out of her shell and Kara tells her to sing as if she was making love to her fiancée and she is on her way to Hollywood.

Cue another montage of some poor auditions and these people don’t even warrant their name being listed.

Aaron Williamson (27) is our happy go-lucky contestant with lots and lots of energy. Aaron goes with “Have You Ever Seen the Rain” which is another song I love and let us just say Aaron is very, very, very, very, very LOUD! In fact he was screaming as opposed to singing. Paula indicates she feels good after the performance (Excuse Me). Randy asks if he always performs like that and it is a yes from Aaron. Simon tells him to look for a career where he can scream. Aaron leaves without a golden ticket and American is saved from buying ear plugs.

Rebecca Garcia (24) who is going for her master’s degree gets a little air time because the local Fox affiliate interviewed her for their morning program which Paula just happens to see – PLEASE! Clearly Rebecca has some smarts but yet she doesn’t understand the rule about not performing a song by a winning American Idol because she chooses “Before He Cheats” and she is so nervous she has a cheat sheet of the lyrics wrapped around her arm (which she had to use). Poor Rebecca it was really, really bad. Kara notices on her fact sheet she was named “most humorous in high school” and figures this was one of the humorous auditions, clearly Rebecca did not think so and starts to tear up (if you are trying for a career in show business you need a back bone – rejection hurts – get use to it). Kara asks Paula to hit her because she was mean. Simon tells her to seek a career other than singing.

Cue the next montage but this time we get 4 auditions where a golden ticket is provided but for me there was enough air time for me to really judge. The four were Kris Allen 23 (man), Felicia Barton (26), Ryan Johnson (27) what I heard sounded totally fantastic, and Shera Lawrence (23).

Leneshe Young (18) is the big sob story audition of the evening which we are teased with forever. Leneshe grew up poor, they were pretty much homeless and her mother Leshonda was there talking about moving from shelter to shelter and how it was embarrassing. Clearly it was the hard knock life since the father didn’t provide any support. I wanted to yell at her mother to stop having kids, good gracious. I wasn’t emotionally moved by Leneshe’s story but I really liked her, she had a very positive personality but it wasn’t over the top. Leneshe chose to do an original song called “Natty”. I didn’t like the song as much as the judges but I did love Leneshe’s voice. It was very rich, great tone and she sang with emotion, she sold the dumb song. Simon likes the song and thinks the performance was quirky and fun. Randy thinks she has what the show needs, Kara sees good things, and she is cute, original and brilliant. Paula says no but of course she was kidding. Leneshe is headed for Hollywood.

Louisville went to the winner’s circle compared to San Francisco for out of 11,000 19 got their golden ticket.

I actually agreed with the judge’s choice from last night of the 5 we really got to see. I am also looking forward to hearing more from Ryan Johnson.

Next Tuesday we are off to Jacksonville Florida.

Until next week…

AI 8 - 1/20/09 San Francisco

To hell with my heart – where is the TALENT?

While I personally love San Francisco I am voting American Idol should never hold another audition in this city. Why must we be continually harassed with William Hung? Enough already, he had more than his 15 minutes of fame. My honey Katherine McPhee has been the only good choice from this city!

Last night’s episode was just a bit strange, it was almost like a throw away episode. Maybe the producers figured everyone would be watching the parties from Washington D.C.

The only real joy from last night’s episode was the interaction between Kara and Simon. I am so looking forward to more of those fireworks; she was calling him out and more power to her!

The opening montage was a bit much and do I care there was a proposal and they got married in line when we never heard of them afterwards, it was just friggin’ lame! Don’t even get me started on the bit with Ryan and the judges telling to come back in and use his real voice – give me a break.

Tatiana Del Toro (23) from Puerto Rico is the first audition we see and even before I heard her speak or laugh I did not like her. She was just way over the top and not in a good way. We learn that she has a friend who’s one of the world’s most powerful psychics who told her she would make it to the final 12, not if I can help it! Let’s tackle her I laugh like a hyena and if there was one more clip of her laughing I would have totally lost it. It was so aggravating and she hadn’t even sung. Her laugh is definitely fingers down the chalkboard. I was irritated by her voice. Tatiana is a very desperate and needy individual. Tatiana comes in with a press kit and a record and we get wasted time as the judges look through it, especially the “naughty” shot, PLEASE! Let’s just get to the singing and giving her the boot.

Tatiana attempts “Never Loved a Man” and I did not like her at all, she was trying too hard, I thought her pitch was off, it was a mess. Simon tells her she picked the wrong song, naturally Tatiana can’t shut up and tries something else, in fact whenever the judges tried to talk she would sing something else or she pouted or begged. It was a total freak show. Paula says yes, “your fun”. Randy tells her she doesn’t have the big voice to do R&B but your “wild” and says yes. Kara doesn’t think she has the vocals but she likes her vibe. What the f&*k! Tatiana is going to Hollywood and Ronald has a meltdown. Thank heavens for Simon, “She didn’t get through on her vocals.”

This woman is a train wreck and there is no way she can be allowed to make it into the top 12. If she even gets to the top 36, I will make it my personal mission in life to use my fast flying dialing fingers to ensure she is out of there! My advice to Tatiana is you need to go into public relations because apparently you can promote! Please put me out of my misery now, I am going to go crazy if I hear her hyena laughing one more time.

Cue montage about San Francisco being ahead of its time and then we are shown two horrible auditions; unfortunately they were named, Nick Read with the red hair (ugly cut and his hair was covering one eye no less) and Jiayi Yu.

Dean-Anthony Bradford is next. Naturally his hook is a totally huge plaid colored coat he was wearing; this can’t be good especially if he says it is the jacket of life! Mr. Bradford was running a special event company but “apparently the special events weren’t too special” since it went under. I couldn’t understand a word he was singing and he has a totally freakish voice and his facial expressions were so forced I actually laughed out loud. Simon thought his hair was not his natural color but Dean-Anthony assured them his carpet matched the drapes – way too much information! Luckily the judges had some sense this time and said no. I guess Dean-Anthony failed at something else.

Jesus Valenzuela considers himself to be a family man, his children really like the show and they follow it religiously. Come on those kids aren’t that old they could not have been watching it for 7 seasons. I am not impressed. I am not sure of the song he sang which is good because I didn’t think he had much of a voice and there was like an echo to it, it was strange. Simon doesn’t think he can win. Kara and Paula like him and asks him to bring in his kids. This is way too over the top for me. Apparently the cute kids are too much for the judges and they send him through. It just doesn’t make sense.

Dalton Powell who is a Rubik’s Cube master is up next. I am not sure why they even bother. Dalton has no personality, a high voice, sang with his eyes closed and couldn’t carry a tune. Luckily he is shown the door, more time to practice with the cube!

Cue another montage and a couple of bad singers. I only got the first person’s name, James Smith. This was a waste of time.

We get another montage which leads off about the “Summer of Love” but it is really about the sparks between Kara and Simon. I am totally digging Kara and calling everyone on their crap. I think we will see some very interesting dynamics when we get to the heart of the show.

Akilah Askew-Gohlston cannot enunciate or correctly pronounce a word if it was biting her in the ass. She is studying how to train as a gospel singer using all these biology diagrams – CRAZY! If you can’t enunciate or pronounce words correctly how the hell are you going to sing! Akilah wants to audition with one of her original songs – is she nuts? Do these contestants not watch the show to see what doesn’t work? Let us just say she sucks. Simon advises her it is a bad song choice so guess what she goes for another one and I couldn’t tell the difference from the earlier one. She is bombing and just keeps trying, first sucking up to the judges and then begging. You know it is bad when Paula gets up and tells her it is not in the cards and then actually leaves. Kara has to get up and practically lead her out of the room. Score another one for Kara when she asks Randy and Simon why they yell at some people and let others keep going.

Cue another montage but at least in this case we get three contestants who get golden tickets, we don’t hear enough of them for me to judge but they were John Twiford, Allison Iraheta, and Raquel Houghton.

Annie Murdoch, air head who indicates she can play the violin and piano and loves to scat but she doesn’t come prepared with an audition song, WHAT! It is an audition, be prepared! First she thinks she might do a Bonnie Raitt song but which one, then asks if she can do “Summertime”. While I was not a fan of Fantasia she did blow this song out of the water but Annie must never have watched American Idol because she would know you never, ever try to sing a signature song from a prior winner. Poor Annie, she was loud, off key and she couldn’t enunciate. Simon tells her it was like she was drunk and not just from a few but a whole crate, he thought she was going to fall over. Annie is going home without the golden ticket!

Adam Lambert (26) was fun and had great personality. I love musical theater so I enjoyed the fact that his parents put him in musical theater as a kid because he had so much energy. We learn he is currently performing in “Wicked” and has for the last year and a half. “Wicked” has a very tough score. If you haven’t seen this show I would encourage you to go. It is coming to Portland again. I have tickets for March 13th but I digress. Adam chose “Bohemian Rhapsody”, always an interesting choice. I thought Adam had a great voice and he had extreme control of it as well. Simon thinks he is a good singer, DUH, but is theatrical. Kara tries to point out that he should go through on his voice. Randy thinks it is time for someone like Adam and says yes. Simon relents and says yes which infuriates Kara because he can’t make up his mind but agrees he is theatrical and Paula says yes as well. I fell out of my chair when Adam tells Paula he saw her in his first concert when he was 10 and loved her. I am looking forward to seeing how Adam does in Hollywood. Is it just me or could Adam pass as one of the Jonas Brothers?

Kai Kalama (26) is the final audition from San Francisco and we had been teased about his story throughout the episode. Kai’s mother is sick (some type of seizure disorder) and he has pretty much put his life on hold (not dating, etc) to take care of her. We get to see him interacting with his mother, caring for her, and the shameless interview with her about how lucky she is that her son is so great. Kai wants to be able to buy his mother a house and make sure she is taken care of.

Kai goes with “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” and I have to say it is really good. The tone of his voice was very nice; he had excellent control and could enunciate. I hated his outfit and his hair really sucks to the point it reminded me of he who should not be named but he can sing. Simon indicates he has the personality of a ship singer. Paula indicates he can sing and can work on showmanship and stage presence. Kara starts to talk but Simon calls for a vote which starts a spat between them with Paula warning Kara she’ll learn she can’t talk. Kara is having none of it and provides her opinion anyway. Kara tells him he can sing but he needs to get his performance level up. Kai is heading for Hollywood. Simon advises him to watch him to see what confidence can do. Kai naturally calls his mother and we hear her reaction via the cell phone. I think Kai’s mother was more excited than he was.

San Francisco found only 12 people getting golden tickets, which is the lowest of any of the audition shows we have seen so far. We really only saw 4 because the 3 we saw in the quick montage don’t count in my book. Adam and Kai are the only two I agree with.

Next up is Louisville, Kentucky.

Until tomorrow…

American Idol 8 - 1/14/09 - We are not in Kansas but rather Missouri

Kansas City, MO (home of David Cook) was the site of the auditions from the January 14th episode.

The State of Missouri is important because throughout the audition episode we kept getting references to “The Wizard of Oz”. Dorothy Gale lived in Kansas not Missouri! Itjust royally ticked me off.

It is amazing that 11,000 potential wannabes showed up for the chance at a golden ticket and 95% of them are there for their 15 minutes of fame because they know they suck!

Chelsea Marquardt (19) was always afraid to try out but her family convinced her to have faith in her talent because she can sing with such power. What did I say about family and friends being the worst enablers? Chelsea attempts “Without You” and this was a finger down the chalkboard experience. She was shrill and totally off pitch. I wanted to scream at her family. Simon explained her voice was like the sound of a cat thrown off the Empire State Building; personally I thought he was being way too kind. Chelsea is going home empty handed.

Ashley Anderson (20) is sucking up to Simon by choosing “Footprints in the Sand” which he co-wrote and then she was stupid enough to start by saying “Footsteps” – give me a break! I did not like this audition at all. There was no spark, her pitch was off, and she was trying to put way too many runs into the melody. Simon indicates it is the best song he has heard so far. All the judges give praise and pass her through. What are they thinking?

Casey Carlson (20) who is yet another little Miss Mary Sunshine (PLEASE!) attempting “A Thousand Miles”. Her rendition was okay and her voice was alright but there was no spark and no real joy in what she was doing. I would have sent her home but for some reason all the judges say yes. Did the producers put Prozac in their Coke glasses?

Brian Hettler (20) indicates he is a big guy with a big voice who was classically trained in opera. He gave up singing for two years and feels this audition will assist him in returning to music. Brian attempts “Think”. If this man was classically trained his parents should demand a refund for those classes, he sucked the big one. There was not one redeeming moment from this audition. Simon told him everything was wrong from the voice to the outfit, seriously it was just awful. Brian is apparently not returning to music via American Idol and the angels in heaven were cheering.

Let’s cue montage of contestants reacting to their “No you are not going to Hollywood”. I don’t think there was a true emotional reaction and those people were the worst actors I have come across. The woman who was screaming and crying while falling to the ground should just be shot and put out of her misery.

Oh is that Ryan walking down a street and what a surprise he just happens to run into David Cook’s parents, how cute? NOT. We are then shown a few contestants trying to put their unique stamp on some classics. James Advern who Simon indicates sings like Ryan Secrest, Billy Vinson, Chris James and Deandre Hopkins. They all would be the perfect definition of BAD!

Von Smith (22) advises us he has a strange range and attempts things most guys would not try. He chooses “Over the Rainbow”. I just have to say I hated his hat but I did like his voice. I thought he was totally over projecting, i.e. way too f*&king LOUD but he nailed the melody. He actually reminded me of Sam Harris and I suspect he was using his version of the song. He definitely has a powerful voice. Randy thought the vocals were good. Kara thinks he can take a lot of risks with his voice. Von is going to Hollywood with 4 yeses. This was the first contestant put through I agreed with.

Next up is Jason Castro’s brother. I can’t even put into words what I was thinking about this contestant. Michael Castro (20) who advises us he just started singing 20 days ago because he felt if his brother could sing so could he. Michael definitely has a different look than Jason, what is up with the multi-colored hair and faux Mohawks? I was laughing out loud that Michael thought Jason was more girly, whatever it really means. Michael chooses “In Love with A Girl”. All I can say was he was on pitch. I wasn’t impressed but his voice didn’t make me scream either. He gets 4 yeses with Simon saying he was “goodish” (is that a word?) while Kara likes his ballsiness. I personally think he got through because he was Jason’s brother.

We then have a clip of Vaughn English singing a song about bananas while wearing yellow and orange. I was laughing out loud with this one.

Matt Breitzke (27) used to be a bar singer but is now a married welder with a child so music was put on the backburner so he could be a family man. Apparently this is not satisfying enough so he is here to be the next American Idol. Cry me a river! Matt goes with “Ain’t No Sunshine” and it was okay but nothing spectacular. Randy says no, Kara likes him, you have heart, Paula was impressed how he could control his voice, the tone, and Simon says you have heart and ambition. Maybe I should take drugs before I watch these shows?

Jasmine Joseph (17) hopes to bring some jazz to the show and asks she be called “Jazz”. Good heavens, she is trying to jazz up “Over the Rainbow”, give me a break! This was just freakin’ bad and she has multi-colored hair, oh joy! The judges are speechless so Jasmine leaves. Perhaps it is the name, can we all say Jasmine Treas!

Cue the montage which absolutely royally piss me off with the lame “Wizard of Oz” references, the producers should be shot.

The montage leads up to Jessica Furney (19) who actually lives in Kansas with her 93 year old grandmother as her caretaker. The producers actually went to her home and filmed her grandmother so we could hear grandma saying it was time for her crazy pills (which was shameless)! Jessica chooses “Cry Baby”. Her rendition was good and she has a nice voice and can enunciate but there was nothing really special about it. She is unanimously given the golden ticket to Hollywood.

Next up are sisters Asia McClain (24) and India Morrison (22). What were their parents smoking when they came up with those names or maybe they were named after the countries they were conceived. They do some type of rap introduction, give me a break. Asia is really there to support her sister, she convinced her to try out. Asia was just plain bad. India’s audition was okay, her voice was pleasant but I don’t see her getting anywhere in the competition. The judges say yes to India but no to Asia.

Jamar Rogers (26) bartender from Milwaukee who is here auditioning with his friend Danny Gokey (more about him shortly) gives it a try with “California Dreamin’”. Jamar is LOUD, I mean Loud. I found his voice pleasant enough but for once I have to agree with Paula, I thought he was totally off pitch. I am not sure why but he does get passed through to Hollywood.

We were teased through out the episode that Danny Gokey’s (28) story was very emotional and for once the producers were right. It turns out 4 weeks prior to the audition Danny’s wife died. While Danny was talking you could tell his emotional reactions were absolutely positively real. The pain was so clear I was crying. He decided to go through with the audition for his wife. Danny chooses “I Heard It through the Grapevine” and he blew me away. I actually got goose bumps. His voice has a really great tone and he has total control of it as well. I once again have to agree with Paula, his voice does have a soulful sound to it. Kara indicates she is a fan, he has great heart and soul, Simon indicates he likes him and Randy states he’s one of the best he’s seen. I totally agree. Danny’s audition was my favorite of the evening and he totally deserved his golden ticket to Hollywood. As an aside, is it just me or does he look like a young Robert Downey, Jr.?

Cue the next montage of train wreck auditions by the girls so Ryan says. They were bad and actually didn’t even identify the contestants by name and I bet they are happy about that.

Anoop Desai (21) is next. Simon has a bit of a problem in pronouncing his name and not quite understanding the write up of his being a folklore student. Anoop tells Randy he can call him “Noop Dog”, how cute? NOT! Anoop goes with “Thank you” and I was surprised he can actually sing and does it well. He has a great voice. The judges all praise him and he is heading to Hollywood.

Cue another montage of contestants butchering “Signed, Seal, Delivered”. PLEASE!

Andrew Lang (19) sends in two cheerleaders (costumes and all – again with the multi-colored hair) to pump the judges up for his audition and provide a great introduction. Give me a break! Andrew goes with “My Girl” and it is just okay and I am being incredibly nice with that comment. Randy actually liked it and says yes. Paula asks for a second song and he attempts “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” and loses Randy’s vote because it was too musical theater. Kara gives him an A+ but still Andrew goes home with his cheerleaders while they are crying their bucket of tears.

Asa Barnes (28) middle school band director wants to show he is a good father and a good singer. Asa goes with “The Way You Make Me Feel” and I guess it was okay. I really didn’t see any spark. It was a very stupid chose of audition song. I am not sure why but the judges give him a golden ticket.

Michael Nicewonder (26) and I am not making this name up either is wearing the medal he received for best vocals in his elementary school music class – can we say “Glory Days”, come on, it was just stupid. He received a fortune in a cookie “A person with a determined heart frightens problems away” so he taped it to the back of his metal. Now I am just throwing up. Apparently he is somehow related to Hank Williams Jr. He does admit many people say he can’t sing including his mother. Thank god for at least one mother giving good advice. Michael decides to audition with an original song. Are these contestants just down right stupid? What can I say, it was just horrible. Simon thinks he should write Hallmark cards and Kara says he is a “nice guy – wink, wink” but singing isn’t right for him. Naturally Michael has a breakdown when he leaves the audition room. I am not moved.

Dennis Brigham (19) tells us he had a dream that Simon said he was the best he’s seen while doing a back flip. Dennis attempts “With You” and I just about fell out of my chair, it was ridiculous. His voice was horrible; it was like a squeaking mouse. Those drugs they are giving the judges are working because he wore them down with his begging and he got a golden ticket. At least Simon says his dream was a nightmare.

Cue another montage which was just a waste of time.

Mia Conley (27) has waited all day for her chance at fame and goes with “Loving You”. This was another finger down the chalk board moment. She was actually screeching. A clearly deluded individual because she emphatically believes the judges made the wrong choice to send her home. See you in the mental institution.

Lil Rounds (23) who is a customer services representative with three little children who people told her not to consider singing as a career but then a disaster (i.e. tornado ripped through her apartment) and she had an epiphany and American Idol is a way for her to help her family. Lil goes with “All I Do” and she was very good. I was surprised, she does have talent. Simon thinks she is classy, Paula tells her to tell everyone to kiss her Lil behind, Kara loves it and Randy compares her to a combination of Fantasia and Mary J. Blige but she gets 4 yeses for Hollywood.

As with Phoenix only 27 got golden tickets to Hollywood and we only saw 13. Of those 13 I only agree with 4 of the choices with Danny and Von being my two top picks.

Kansas City was a disappointment unless the other 14 they are hiding away somehow blow it out of the ballpark.

Until next week…

American Idol 8 - 1/13/09 - Melting in Phoenix

Welcome to another season of American Idol updates.

I cannot even describe how excited I was about the new season and while I wasn't exactly thrilled with some of the talent I was just happy finally being able to scream, laugh, applaud, cry and shout at the judges and the contestants.

Is it just me or wasn't that a bizarre opening of a new season of Idol with a black screen and a strange quote from David Foster. I didn't see the connection but at least it was short because I didn't have time to write down the quote.

We were then shown flashbacks of Simon addressing the semi-finalists for Season 1. I personally thought the opening montage rocked which included just enough of the memorable moments with only a few horrible auditions. The ending of the montage with the prior winners worked effectively.

We are then greeted with Ryan in the Grand Canyon. Is it me or did it look like he was orange from a tanning booth?

Phoenix is the first audition city shown as this represented the first time the new judge Kara DioGuardio joined the group.

I could have done without all the footage of everyone shouting they would be the next American Idol - please as if you get to decide!

You have to give kudos to the crazy thousands who would stand out to audition in 106 degree weather, I would have melted!

We spend way too much time on the judges arriving but I thought they handled the introduction of Kara very well and given the montage of clips they showed where she really provided some good comments to those auditioning bodes well for her success.

Let's get to the heart of why we are here, to dish about the contestants!

Day 1:

Tuan Nguyen is up first, he of the big fro and big plans for tapping after finishing singing. I fell out of my chair when he told Simon he wants to be as big as Michael Jackson and Britney Spears. Simon retorts "Combined?” You are starting off well aren't you by picking those two as your inspiration. Tuan chooses "The Way you make Me Feel". I will give some credit, it didn’t totally suck, he was on pitch and I could understand him but there is no way he is right for the competition. Randy indicated it was wild and there is no way you are going to Hollywood. Kara indicates she has never seen anything like this and not in a good way. No golden ticket and naturally Tuan was disappointed as he thought he had it in the bag. Even after 7 prior seasons it astounds me there are still so many clueless people trying for their 15 minutes of fame.

Emily Wynne-Hughes (age 21) was next. The producers spent time on her back story to the point of filming her mother. Emily with her multi-colored hair, piercings on every part of her body we could see along with some truly ugly tattoos. Emily is in a rock band and her band doesn't know she is auditioning. If she goes to Hollywood the band will lose their European Tour - oh the horror of it all! Didn't we have this type of story from Constantine a few seasons back, give me a $%^$ break. Emily went with "Barracuda". This is a song which has been butchered by many prior contestants. Her audition was good. I didn't think it was as great as the judges but her voice did have a nice tone.

Randy Madden (28) who clearly is not ready for a career in show business. I don't give a rip he is a sales representative but wants to be a rock star. If you are so friggin' emotional because you just need someone to tell you how you’re great, forget it. The music business is dog eat dog. I haven't seen anyone cry that much during an audition clip in 7 prior seasons. I laughed out loud when Simon told him he was a "drama queen". Randy chose "Livin' on a Prayer" to audition with. Good gracious, a difficult song to sing. He totally sucked. The begging to the judges to let him through because he just wants to project his soul and heart to the audience caused me to gag. The judges kicked him down and Paula was way too nice. The only interesting part of this audition was Simon and Paula's little spat. Although it was blurred, Paula gave Simon the finger!

J. B. Ahufa (16) from Utah goes with "Flying without Wings". I have to interject, when will contestants learn not to do other Idol winner's hit songs. Ruben knocked this out of the ballpark and J.B. didn't come close. J.B.'s voice was pleasant enough but there wasn't any spark. You need to shine and have some personality. J.B. was a stick in the mud when he was singing. All 4 judges voted yes although I am not sure why and Simon tells him to loosen up. Outside the audition room he is surrounded by his dad and brothers and we get the sob story his family is struggling and now he has a chance to change and help his family. J.B.'s dad is crying. I was just not moved by J.B.'s story but there is one coming up where I was. I guess I am just fickle.

Michael Gurr's audition clip starts with him getting more and more nervous as the day moves forward. If you can't even handle auditions how are you going to handle the spotlight? Naturally he is so nervous he really can't audition. He chooses "Starts with Goodbye" - a song made famous by Carrie Underwood (see prior paragraph). What a joke! He was mumbling so bad you couldn't tell what he was singing. Simon was funny when he told him you could have been singing in Bulgarian for all they could understand. Michael wants another chance but thankfully is shown the door. Apparently after he left the room he either fainted, hyperventilated or something because he was sitting on the floor and was being helped.

Cue the montage of some very bad singers. Will Kunick murders "Mad World", D. J. Bradley strikes out with "It's All Coming Back to Me", a man trying to tackle Celine Dion, and finally Shawn Vasquez killing Dionne Warwick's "I'll Never Love This way Again".

Xray aka Andre Caraway is way too F&*kin Little Mary Sunshine for me. He was so Happy go lucky it was down right scary, he must have been on something, he was way too hyper, where's the Ritalin when you need it. The audition song was "Cactus Baby". I had never heard of it which is a god send since it was so frickin bad. Randy was laughing; Kara was speechless with Paula and Simon passing. He tries to sing again but his escorted out by security. Not fast enough for me!

Arianna Afsar (16) from San Diego is next. She is way too young and cutesy for this competition. Arianna started "Adopt a Grandfriend" where teens perform for seniors at various retirement/assisted living, etc. locations. I guess if your audience is hard of hearing you can get a way with a lot. Arianna sang "Put Your Records On" and she was okay, her voice was sweet but she isn't ready for this. The judges voted her through but I can't see her making it to the semi-final rounds.


Day 1 comes to an end and only 9 people got a golden ticket and we only saw 3. I can only pray they have more talent then what we have seen so far.


Day 2:

We start of with a montage of some seriously bad auditions from prior seasons.

Elijah Scarlett has a very, very, very, very low voice. It is freakishly low. Elijah attempts "My First, My Last, My Everything" and all I was thinking was are you done yet. It was horrible, boring, and so monotone it was ridiculous. Luckily Elijah got the boot.

Next up is bright and smiley 16 year old Lea Marie Golde dressed up in pink with a matching pink cowboy hat. Julia Roberts as Shelby in "Steel Magnolia's" can get away with pink as can Reese Witherspoon in "Legally Blond" but Lea Marie was just too child like. Lea Marie is a songwriter and a big fan of Kara. She brought her scrapbook of songs, can we start the stalker conversation now! Lea Marie goes with "Every Time we Touch"; creepy for a 16 year old to sing although I guess she does have a split personality since she tells us she is a cross between Hilary Duff and Madonna. The audition sucked and she has a really, really bad nasally tone to her voice. Paula loves that she is a fan of Kara, Randy indicates she is not ready for the show, Simon says it was terrible and annoying and Kara says she sounds like she was in a musical - WHAT? It is a no. Unfortunately in the after clip she makes a promise to return next year! Once again can I say stalker!

Stevie Wright (16) from California is next. Her mother named her after Stevie Nicks. She goes with "At Last" and she was freakin' great. This was the first contestant where I really sat up and listened. I really liked her voice, the control she had, and her ability to produce the emotion. Her enunciation was crystal clear. Stevie gets her golden ticket and it is well deserved. Simon loves her voice, Randy thinks she was born with her talent, Kara thinks there is something there and gasp - Paula compares her to Kelly Clarkson.

Michael Sarver (27) from Texas is next. He is a rough neck working on an oil rig with a family that he is away from for a week at a time. Simon indicates Michael is the opposite of Ryan, which did cause me to laugh out loud. Michael goes with "Thank You". I also liked this audition. I though Michael had good control, he was on pitch, and his enunciation was clear. There was a unanimous yes from the judges.

We then get another montage of very bad auditions from Phoenix; they didn't even identify the contestants.

Finally we are up to the big tease from all the commercials and teasers, "Bikini Girl" aka Katrina Darrell is up. The build up to this audition was heavy hyped. Bikini Girl does have a hot body and her butt is pretty damn good as Simon and Randy got to watch several times but outside of her body I don’t believe she has much to offer. Her attitude sucks, way too conceited. Bikini Girl goes with "Vision of Love", now we have someone who wants to tackle Mariah, does no one watch this show or read my blog. This is one of my favorite songs and I simple was not impressed. I will give her credit she was on pitch but it was way too karaoke for me. I would not raise a finger to vote for her. Simon says beautiful (and this is in reference to what?). Randy indicates she has potential (perhaps for a roll in the hay), Kara and Paula protest and Kara actually sings the same portion of the song (100 times better by the way) and explains to Bikini Girl she doesn't have the voice for the song and Bikini Girl retorts back "well your demonstration wasn't any better!". Does she know who has to vote her through? She gets her golden ticket which is scary but after she leaves both Kara and Paula indicates she was terrible. After her audition she went looking for Ryan because she wanted to make out with him even though he told her it was against the rules. She does kiss him but Ryan simply tells her to take a dip in the pool.

Next up is a big montage about how Simon can't pronounce Kara's name correctly and there are apparently several others as well. Do we not teach phonetics anymore?

Sexual Chocolate is our next contestant, yes I kid you not but actually is Eric Thomas. He has it tattooed on his back and Kara and Paula makes him show it. Naturally Sexual can't sing and is shown the door.

Brianna Guijada (22) from Arizona is up next. Poor Brianna another happy shiny person who is way too hyper and overexcited for my taste. She goes with "Let's Hear It for the Boy" and all I can say is let's not hear it from Brianna, it was bad. Paula asks for another song and she attempts to tackle "Killing Me Softly With your Song" and once again she was killing me with her voice. Brianna whined and actually called Simon "Simey", gag me! Kara and Paula think she is fun and Simon actually indicates he likes her. Kara and Randy vote not, Paula and Simon vote yes so she is going to Hollywood. Heaven help us.

It is time for another montage, this one about families or in my book the biggest enablers to these contestants! It all leads up to Deanna Brown who came alone, what does she want a pity party? She asks some stranger to be her family; this is way too cute for me. Deanna is 25 from Kentucky and I am the last person to talk about someone's look but please, her eyes were just plain creepy. Deanna tries "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay". Once again she was okay. Her voice has a certainly smoky quality to it but I am not sure she would go far in the competition; however, she gets her golden ticket.

Cody Shelton (17) from Michigan is up next. Cody loves horror films and he writes and films his own. Cody goes with "Wonderful World" and is actually pretty damn good. His voice has great tone; he had good control and can enunciate. My one beef was his hair, it reminded me of Danny Noriega from last season but even more it was frickin' covering one side of his face. I hate that; it is a big pet peeve. Kara is surprised and explains Cody's voice and look don't match up. Cody is going to Hollywood!

The next montage was just stupid with a bunch of auditioners answering Simon's question as to which 3 countries they'll be famous in. Naturally there are way too many stupid people to understand the difference between a city, state and country!

Alex Wagner-Trugman (19) years old from California. Alex is the geek. We learn he use to sing in his closet at night but he got sick because of the mold, naturally Simon starts out with "so you just came out of the closet." Ha, Ha! Alex wants to go with "Baby, Come To Me" but only if Randy sings with the chorus. Interesting choice since this was a duet with James Ingram and Patti Austin. I actually love this song and the reason why is just not important and would take too long to explain. I have to say I was happily surprised by the purity of Alex's voice. It was good, he was on pitch and he can enunciate. His movements on the other hand sucked. Randy, Paula and Kara say yes. Alex is going to Hollywood.

We get one final montage of contestants butchering "Wanted Dead or Alive".

Our final contestant for day two is Scott MacIntrye (23) from Arizona and he is blind. He explains he can only see the width of a key on the piano, it is like being in a tunnel. . Scott plays the piano and explains music compensates for his lack of sight. He learned the piano by learning distances. Scott hopes to inspire people no matter what happens on the show. He went to college at 14 and graduated at 19. This is the back story which moved me. I don't know him but clearly Scott is a great person. Scott sings "And So It Goes". Oh my god, he has a great voice, the tone is so pure. He is definitely one I want to hear more from. Scott gets his ticket to Hollywood.

I can't wrap up without saying what the hell was going on with Ryan last night. He was not on his best game and can I say, what is up with trying to high five a blind man?


This brings us to the end of the first audition show. 27 golden tickets were given and we saw 11 or 41% of the total passed through to Hollywood from Phoenix. I certainly hope the other 60% are freakin great!

While there have been some changes the tone of the show remains the same. I actually like the new judge and believe Kara right on with some of her comments. Paula was unusually lucid during the episode. Randy and Simon remain the same - yeah!

Tonight we are off to Kansas City and another round of cheering, screaming and musical train wrecks.

Until tomorrow...