AI 8 – 1/28/09 Salt Lake City or who put the Happy Pills in the Water!

Last night the American Idol juggernaut pulled into Salt Lake City so we must cue the opening montage as the sun comes up over the city at 5:00 a.m. It appears love is in the air with “Shiny Happy People” playing in the background. The contestants are excessively chipper for my tastes. We are visiting the home of David Archuleta and he cannot bother showing up – what is wrong with that picture? The High School Musical movies shot in Salt Lake and kudos to Paula for knowing this little trivia. If you have not seen them what is wrong with you, but I digress.

David Osmond (now 29) is the first contestant. I have to confess I am an Osmond Family fan. The very first record I bought with my own money (a 45 at that) was back in 1971, it was “One Bad Apple”. I am also old enough to have seen the Osmond Brothers on The Andy Williams show on a regular basis. Since none of you is, here to read about me we will move forward. David is the son of the oldest Osmond brother, Alan. Unless you have, a heart of stone this back-story is very moving. David has MS like his father and as little as two years ago was in a wheelchair and unable to play guitar. The video was very emotional. I did laugh out loud when Simon asked him if he was related to the Osmond’s and he responded, “Yes I am one of a million.” David definitely has the Idol look. David went with “Something within me” and I agree with the judges it was a strange choice of song but he can sing. I really liked his voice and he has great control of it. Paula is concerned he picked a group song versus a song by a solo artist. Randy did not like the song either and Simon does not feel he can be contemporary but David gets his golden ticket to Hollywood.

Tara Matthews (21) or “Goth girl” for short is next. Can we talk about her very inappropriate outfit? Given I am fat I have no problems in indicating this girl can dress Goth without looking so horrible. The outfit was too tight so you could count all 12 rolls of fat and do not get me started on how slutty this was. Tara honey you need a stylist. Tara explains she has ESP because she knows when people are going to die – WHAT! Simon’s facial reaction to Tara when she walked in was priceless – perhaps MasterCard could use it in their ad campaign. The judges want to know something about her so Tara says she has ESP and they naturally ask her if she will win and indicates she has a good feeling but she does not know. Oh please, I do not have ESP and I can see the train heading down the tracks. Tara goes with “One Day I’ll Fly Away”. As she started to sing Ronald started to scream, oh my god, it was the fingers down the chalkboard moment, she was shrill, off pitch and I shouting shut up already. As she started with the title, Simon pipes up with “Hopefully Soon”. Simon explains it was horrendous from the outfit, the song choice, the voice, you sounded like a baby. Tara goes home without her golden ticket and she didn’t have her happy pill because she was flying the bird as she left hopefully never to be see or heard from again.

Let us cue montage of identified contestants who get the boot including Aleesha Turner, Katie Sullivan and Rich Kagel who Simon tells him will never in a billion years make it as a singer.

Chris Kirkham (26) telemarketer (I hate him already) is ready to win over the judges. Chris comes with his lucky charm, which instead of a rabbit’s foot is the entire rabbit in the form of his friend Greg dressed in a big pink bunny suit, I kid you not, and can we say desperate for his 15 minutes of fame. Chris also comes in with a fan which is Simon’s head on a stick – what is the world coming to? Chris chooses “Roll to me” and while his voice was not horrible, there is no way he is a singer with a chance of winning. This was just a ridiculous waste of time. Greg does go over and give Simon a big hug but at least Simon is getting a big paycheck for the embarrassment of it all.

Cue next montage this time on how David Archuleta’s niceness has infected the entire city bringing out their best. With the strains of “Put on A Happy Face” from “Bye, Bye Birdie” heard in the background we get a host of contestants who are sent home with no golden ticket while they are thanking the judges with their shiny happy faces – give me a break! The clip ends with Ryan giving the rest of the contestants a pep talk to motivate them to go in there and fight for the golden ticket.

Frankie Jordan (24) who is a stay-at-home mom and because of having her kid feels she can do anything, “I am born to perform”. Frankie goes with an Amy Winehouse song, I have heard it but I do not remember the title. I liked her voice; she has a nice tone, is on pitch and can enunciate. Simon indicates he quite likes her voice and Paula indicates she has a distinctive voice. Frankie gets her golden ticket. Oh no, did Ryan just say Frankie Goes To Hollywood, too cheesy.

Megan Corkrey (23) is another mother motivated by her love for her 2-year-old son Rider to go the distance. She recently decided the life she had planned with her husband was not going to work out so she on her way to divorce court. While the decision to divorce made her cry the antics of Rider always cheers her up. The ugly tattoo covering her arm was my only distraction. Megan tells the judges it is her birthday so she gets the big “happy birthday” from the judges. Megan chooses “Can’t Help Loving that man of Mine”. I really liked this audition. Megan has a cool voice, it really grows on you, and she had very good control. Randy rather likes her, Paula agrees but she is bordering on loving her (Please no more make out sessions), Simon thinks she is different, unique, I like you, I like your voice, you are one of my favorites, I will remember this audition. Megan is on her way to Hollywood.

Next up is a preview of Kelly Clarkson’s new single “My Life Would Suck Without You”. It is currently number 1. I love this song. Welcome Back Kelly!

Cue the next montage of happy shiny people, which includes a host of contestants getting a golden ticket but ends with Andrew Gibson getting the boot but he is okay with this, he is just going to go back to school.

Austin Sisneros (17) only wants to inspire everyone to follow their dreams. Austin is the president of his senior class and has mountains of energy because he is involved in a whole lot of projects, Ryan must be his mentor. Austin chooses “When I Look at the Sky”. I liked his voice but he was having some enunciation issues, which is one of my breaking points. The judges give him a second chance and he goes with “It Takes a Village”. This was a much better performance than the first one. I think he has a very nice voice but this kid is excessively nice to make it in the cutthroat world of entertainment. Randy likes his voice but not his weird song choices. Kara indicates there is something genuine about him. Paula thinks he has something going on while Simon thinks he is likeable but needs to stay young but you could be great. Austin is going to Hollywood.

It is time for another montage but at least I get another reference to High School Musical. Have I said how much I love those films? Yes, I have but so what, if you have not seen them get busy. The montage finally breaks through the happy pills and we get shots of contestants crying because they receive a no vote from the judges, this is more genuine.

The producers show a very fast clip of Jarret Burns (24) who does get a golden ticket but there was not enough of his singing for me to provide an opinion on whether it is justified.

Taylor Vaifanua (16) lives to sing. Her parents moved her back from the Islands to give her more opportunities to fulfill her dreams. Taylor explains she is 5’11” without heels and 6’2” with heels. As she enters the room Randy compares her to Jordin Sparks, please give me a break! Taylor goes with “Joyful, Joyful” which is an interesting song choice. Watch “Sister Act 2” to figure out why. In my opinion, this was not a good audition. Taylor was trying excessively hard, was putting in too many runs and she was having breath control problems as well. I will admit her voice was nice and she was on pitch but it is the only positive thing to say. The judges on the other hand were fawning over it just a bit too much. Kara heard her in the bathroom several times and was impressed. Randy thinks she is a natural, one of the best vocals he has heard, I love the way you released the notes and your pitch was good. Taylor is going to Hollywood.

Rose Flack (17) is last as the producers tease us with snippets of her story for most of the episode. Rose is currently living with the Bye family because both of her parents are dead, her dad when she was 13 and her mother when she was 15. The producers do not skimp on providing endless clips of her crying over pictures. I found it interesting her brother Jonathan has been her greatest support but apparently not enough to care for her on a daily basis – what is up with that? Rose had on what is a hideous outfit. Rose goes with “I Feel the Earth Move”. She has a very good voice but she has not learned to control it yet because it cracked several times. I am not sure she has the wherewithal to make it but overall it was a good performance. Paula indicates she has a beautiful voice but needs to work on her vocals. Simon indicates it was not a good song choice but I will remember you. Randy loves her cool vibe. Rose is going to Hollywood.

Salt Lake City is providing only 13 contestants with golden tickets, which means all those happy pills did not help. The producers gave us a chance to see seven of those contestants.

How exciting we get an extra episode of American Idol tonight with the final auditions from New York City (really New Jersey) and San Juan. I guess they did not deserve their own single episodes, which probably tells us all we need to know.

I was thrilled with the clips of the Hollywood episodes as it is clear we are going to have group numbers again and they look brutal. There are two weeks of Hollywood episodes this year with the final 36 announced on February 12. There is only 18 days before America gets to start voting. I am already practicing my dialing finger exercises. I will be ready!

Until tomorrow…